Planning the future~ this time with prayer!

It is October.


:O

I love fall, but I have not really been able to enjoy too much of the season itself just yet. It seems as if each day is packed with school, school projects, work, homework, meetings, and perhaps a 20 minute slot of time in between, if I am lucky. I was not expecting this fall to have such a very busy and crazy schedule. But I am looking at my relationship with my Savior in a new light, and it is making all the difference!
But back to the main point of this post- it is October, and in the midst of this crazy life I am living, I have to plan my future. Tomorrow. Not my whole-future-in-its-entirety, mind you, just my next semester of college classes. Praying for wisdom and direction with this next stage of my life- but not too extremely worried. I know that God is in control and that He works all things according to His perfect will, for His glory, and for my good! =)
I am glad I have a God like that!

And.... Here IT is! Settle down for a semi-long Read :)

Here is the answer to the motives I saw in myself on my SMITE trip. Enjoy the read but be ready to learn from my mistakes! Search your motives and be prepared for God to show you ways in which you need to improve. I am so glad that I did. (The following Narrative Essay is 4 and 1/4 pages long.)

“An Innocent "Yes""- or "From Dread to Delight ”

A simple “yes” was the reply of the short, elderly, white haired lady, yet it brought tears to my eyes. I had merely asked her if she was finding what she was looking for, but her voice was so sweet and innocent, peace-filled and child-like, that I wanted to hug her and invite her to my church. I dashed into a fitting room I had just cleared of clothes and quickly wiped the tears away with my sleeve. Wow, I thought to myself, what has gotten into me? My mind wandered back to nearly two months earlier...

I really did not want to go. Why did I sign up for this anyway? I never should have said I would go! I repeated in my head. It was costing me two weeks of pay, would be uncomfortable, inconvenient, and out of my control. Sure, a week and a half long missions trip to Staten Island, New York, seemed like the “right” thing to do six months ago. I loved the challenge of the rigorous Bible study, verse memorization, and weekly serving projects that were required for the trip. I would nearly burst with excitement and pride when people asked what my plans were for the summer. My response would be along the lines of “I am going on a missions trip to New York. I wanted to make a difference in my senior year of high school.” I would go on to talk of some of the amazing things I would be doing on the trip, of all the things I had to do to qualify for the trip, yada yada yada. But when it really came down to it, when I had to leave at five the next morning for our day-long drive, I was desperately looking for a way to escape. It was dangerous, as we would be staying near the projects of New York City, there were not enough adult leaders going, it wasn't well planned... I searched for any valid reason not to go. In desperation, I nearly called my Youth Pastor, “I changed my mind! Get my name off the list- I am not going!” But there was no easy, reasonable excuse not to go. Besides, not going would be a huge disappointment to my Pastor, youth group, and most importantly, myself. I would regret not having the experience of a missions trip, the memories sure to be made on the trip, and the stories to tell those back home. I can just feel the heat burning up my neck and landing on my cheeks if a co-worker asked how my trip went:“Well, uh, I decided not to go, because, um, I freaked out the night before.” If I did decide against going, I would be missing my only opportunity to go to New York City: to see the Statue of Liberty, walk in Time Square, and shop the streets of New York. I lied in bed that night crying, confused, and convicted by my own guilt.

Get a grip. Get a grip! Do not cry. You cannot change anything now. It can only get better. Though the word hesitant is too weak to describe my feelings about the trip, I was sitting on the bus and over two hours away from home. I tried not to think about the trip itself too much, but there wasn't much else to do. Conversation eventually started with the girl next to me- who I looked up to greatly and wished myself to be like her quirky, fun, creative self. I gleefully discovered that she had not really wanted to go either. As we talked, I admitted how selfish it was for me to have wanted to back out, “the trip is not about me, anyway. It is about sharing the Gospel and helping these missionaries”. Stating the godly reasons why I made the decision to go on the trip- despite not wanting to- comforted me. I was doing the right thing. I started to get excited for the trip for the first time- but still had no idea what I was getting into.

Our missionary family, the W----s, were of such a gentle and sweet spirit that they generously let the eight of us girls (each with her own air mattress) fill the floor of their living room and dining room. I ended up offering to sleep with just a sleeping bag under the dining room table so that all of us could stay together in the same space. I desperately needed some sort of a routine, so I quickly created a habit. I got up first every morning, got myself ready, then cleaned up everyone's air mattresses while they got dressed. I helped with breakfast, lunch or dinner, then set up the mattresses back up again in the evening. “You have such a sweet servant's heart” I was told. I was the mature, spiritual, sweet girl, who did everything for everyone. I chuckled at the teasing nick name of “Momma Amber” that the youngest two girls gave me in response to my “motherly” care and responsible manner. The rest of each day was filled with leading Vacation Bible School, park ministry, and teen activities. From six in the morning until eleven at night, we were busy with serving, eating, or sight seeing. By the end of each day we were drained and exhausted, knowing that it would repeat itself again the next day.

Tuesday, the first day of our mission work and outreach, was intimidating, but the children we worked with in VBS were so open to attention and love that the work was enjoyable. I asked the kids questions about themselves, and chatted about our trip, but never really pursued the topic of my faith. This topic could not be ignored in our park ministry, however. Our goal was to spend two hours inviting kids at the park to come to either our Vacation Bible School in the morning, or our Teen Revival meetings at night. As twenty-some of us unloaded from the fifteen passenger van into the park in the projects the first time, none of us really knew what the response of those at the park would be. We grabbed our bag of gospel bracelets that we made during our lunch break, as well as a few tracts that explained the gospel story, and stood in a unsure cluster. Knowing that I absolutely could not control the response I would receive, I took a deep breath and approached a few girls on the playground asking them if they wanted a bracelet. They were happy to receive a little trinket and intrigued when I explained that it had a special meaning; “Each of the five colors on the bracelet tell a story. If you come to our activities in the morning, you can find out what the colors mean!” To my amazement, they were excited and asked questions about the location and time of out VBS, stating that they might come. I excitedly moved to the next boy that I saw and did the same. Soon every child in that park (as well as a few adults) was wearing one of our bracelets.

But simply inviting kids to our activity and handing out bracelets was not enough. God challenged me to push myself even further outside my comfort zone. I soon had the opportunity to explain the Gospel story to two different little girls. “I don't think my mom will let me come. Can you pleeeease tell me what the colors mean?” one of the girls asked. I had a moment of panic, What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don't understand? What if I come across as a freak? In a blink of an eye, my mind went through all of the previous times I let my fear of man or my want of making a good impression stop me from telling this gospel story. I thought of all the opportunities I missed to share God's love with others similar to these innocent girls- perhaps the only time that they would hear His story. But this time was different. I prayed, and God let the words of my heart come through my lips. I explained the color of each bead; the black bead representing the bad things that we have done, the red bead a picture of the shed blood of Christ, the only One who can pay for our sin, the white bead showing that our hearts are made clean and forgiven when we ask Jesus to be our Savior, the green bead a symbol of growth necessary for the Christian, and the yellow bead a reminder of our eternal home in heaven, if we accept Christ as our Savior. Though one of the girls kept asking questions, the light in her eyes showed me that she was beginning to understand.

The joy that God gave me in my obedience to Him was so powerful, that I lost my selfish reasons and facade, truly wanting the same thing that He wanted- to have others know about Him, for the chance to be one with Him, to know of His crazy deep love for them. My heart was soaring; it was several hours before the smile left my face. I have never felt like I was where I was supposed to be more than when I was in that little park in the projects of Staten Island, New York, getting soaked by water bottles while handing out beaded bracelets. I had totally forgotten my fear and selfishness and in that moment was lost in the greatness of my God and the Gospel He had given me. I was “doing the right thing”, but felt more joyful and fulfilled than I can ever remember.

The rest of the trip continued in a similar routine, but there was no way I could forget the innocence and sweetness of those two girls. I hummed as I got ready first and cleaned up the air mattresses while teasing the younger girls. I got to know our missionary family through conversation as I helped with dinner and talked to my Savior through prayer while setting the mattresses back up at night. I hugged the girls when they called me “Momma Amber”, and enjoyed sightseeing with the great team I was with. I looked for ways to share my faith with the Liberian teenagers from our teen revival evenings and with children who came to VBS as a result of our park ministry. I left Staten Island a week later, exhausted, content, and joyous. I came back home to the same world that I left a few weeks ago. I overcame my fear of public speaking and talked about my missions experience in front of over 500 church family members. I break out into a grin when I see kids running around at the mall, and say a greeting to those I pass on campus. I do not plan my schedule out as much each week and I look for ways to brighten someone else's day.

My mind jerks back to the present, away from the sights of New York City and the Liberian people God used to teach me a lesson. Glancing in the fitting room mirror shows that none of my mascara has smeared, so I head back out to the sales floor. I look for the little old lady who started this, but she is nowhere to be found. I sigh and send a quick prayer of thanks for her. The innocence of her reminded me of sharing the gospel with those sweet girls, and her air of vulnerability pulled me back to the moment that I dropped my facade and made myself vulnerable to the work of Christ. I go back to work with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

(The missionary's last name was deleted for privacy reasons)

It IS coming... I promise!

I have decided to answer my earlier post about the motives I had in and on the SMITE trip in the form of my Narrative Essay (I figured since I had to write it for a grade, why not reuse it on the blog?). I am in the final processes of editing it~ posting will soon follow. Patience will pay off!

I have also been going through some interesting changes in my life. I am not sure how to explain it, so this topic may be pursued at a later time~ once I understand the implications of it myself. Throughout it all, though, I know that: 1) God is in control, and 2) He works all things together for good- my good and His glory.

In closing, I want to share a verse that stuck in my head this morning, and has been on my lips all day:

Psalm 86:11,  "Teach me thy way, O Lord; I will walk in Thy truth: unite my heart to fear Thy name."

Light \/s Darkness

I have been discovering many things [not so pleasant things/characteristics] about myself lately. My sinful nature is so sick and in need of being defeated. Praise the Lord that "greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world" (1 John 4:4). I have the power of Christ and the guidance of the Holy Spirit inside me, it just comes down to who I will serve and heed: God or self, Good or bad, Light or darkness. In the end "darkness never had a chance" as this Anthem Lights song states, and Christ will be victorious in my life.

Lord help me to remember that "I can do all things through CHRIST, Who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). May I heed to what you bring me, and respond in a meek manner (meekness isn't weakness: it takes strength to deny the impulse of anger, resentment, and vengeance, but rather accept what God has brought into my life- knowing that He will works all things "together for good, to them that love God" (Romans 8:28).

What?!? That in ME?!?

So I was planning/collecting from memory/brain-storming my Narrative Essay for my college English class. I decided to write about the changes of my heart through my SMITE trip (see full details of the trip at http://mylife-amberwilson.blogspot.com :D ). I was jotting down some differences in my perspective before and after the trip when I -for the first time- thought about my attitude during the trip.

*NEWS FLASH*

What I found out and reflected on surprised me. Maybe I was looking at my heart with a overly critical eye (I tend to be my hardest/worst/most-disappointed-in-myself critic), but I was kind of shocked to do an in-depth study at my motives.

Now that I perhaps have you somewhat intrigued, I will inform you that it is currently late and I have to go to bed (classes start early tomorrow). You, my dear blogger-reading-friend, will have to wait until I have another spare moment to find out what I have just discovered. It may put me in a bad light~ it may put me in a better light. Hope you enjoy this test of patience... I honestly don't know when I will have a chance to blog again in the near future. So sit tight~ and I challenge you to really study your own motives for the way you think/act/work. The results may surprise you.

Then and now: changes of the heart

The last few weeks have been difficult. I felt like I was disconnected: my heart from my head, my school life and work life, my soul and my Savior. Trying to work through these feelings has been a challenge, since i don't really know what is going on. Trying to find a new routine, fitting in all my college projects, trying to balance work, trying to get together with other Christians socially, and trying to make the time to read my Bible and pray.
I have been listening non-stop to my new Anthem Lights CD for the past two weeks. Just this morning I realized that this song describes my life this week:

Yesterday I went to the 8:00 service. The morning worship was just what my heart needed. I finally came to the conclusion (not just in my head, but with my heart in agreement this time) that God is everything I long for.
Think about it, soak it up, let it sink in.
I think I have been desiring too many things lately; popularity, "fitting in", balance, someone who wants me for me- someone who desires to spend time with me, get to know everything about me, someone to hold me, and for me to cling to. Not a family member, or friend, but someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Sunday, it finally clicked. Jesus Christ is that Someone. I had been wanting a guy to love me and hold me, to desire to get to know me, and had overlooked the One who already has done that. My Savior desired to know me, to spend the rest of eternity with me- but He didn't just want that, He acted on it. Before I even knew Him, I hated Him, I was His enemy. I reveled in the one thing that kept us apart- my sin. He loved me so deeply, so sacrificially, that He took the punishment for my sin, dying my death to save me from my own self-destruction. His love ran so deep that He, "for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross" (Hebrews 12:2), knowing that it was the only way to draw me to Him. His love is so great that even this past week, when I was unfaithful to Him, looking for other things to satisfy my soul, He lovingly waited for me with open arms, wooing me back to Him Who is Love. All I needs are met in Him; all I long for is found in Him; my future is known to Him; my life is held by Him.
Now I have re-focused my desires. I have changed my direction of searching. I now have that connection between my head and my heart, my soul and my Savior. I can't believe how I made it through the week without my constant speaking to Him who holds my life, and now, once again, my heart. This Anthem Lights song sums it up well :D.

Praying that this lesson will stick with me. Even if it doesn't though, I still have the constant presence of my All-in-all, Jesus Christ (Matthew 28:20).

Overwhelmed= Prayer time

Lord,
I am feeling overwhelmed and overloaded. Too many papers, projects, places to be, people to remember, and not enough of a focus on You. I feel kind of lost, and out of routine. Guide me back to You. Show me ways in which I will develop a passion for You and Your Word, Your mission for my life. Help me put what I know I should do into action. Mold me into Your fashion, that I may follow after Your heart. I need You, though I have not said it. My heart feels disconnected from my thoughts. Make this feel real, or help me realize and take action against what I need to do. I will helplessly fail and fall without You, yet I still try on my own- and I know that it is not working. Grow my love for You. Something has got to change, and it has to be with me- cause You are the same yesterday, today, and forever.
Your wandering daughter,
AnW