Tired.

My summer could most definitely be summarized by the word busy, or scheduled. But this one word, tired, would describe my spirit during this time. I feel ragged. Worn. I often feel like I won't be able to keep up this pace for the last half of this season. My innate desire for independence- rather than a spirit of submission- pushes me to attempt to exceed all my duties on my own, to fulfill the expectations of those around me, to be able to cross the last task off my to-do list and feel satisfied that I accomplished it all.

But I can't. If I chose to let the waves of fear crash over my soul, I crumble under the sense of being overwhelmed- because I am. I can't work over forty hours at my job, while taking two eight-week college courses, serve in various ministries, and prepare, plan, and lead a high school girls' Bible study every week. And those are only the things I've committed to this summer, not including being active in the college ministry activities, devoting time to build friendships, setting time aside to be a participant in my family's life, taking steps to go beyond my regular devotions to grow a greater understanding of my King, and being wiling to sacrifice time to invest in the live of others.
As it is, I am not doing some of the things I half-way committed to, like a weekly college Bible study, helping the coffee ministry on Saturday nights, and growing personally in areas of my life in the summer-goals-I'd-like-to-see-accomplished list I made.

I have responded poorly more times this summer than I have responded correctly to circumstances in my life. I have quite a list of regrets already, and the summer is only half-way over. I've asked myself "why?" a hundred times. I look back on the state of my heart at the end of this past spring and wonder how a heart so on fire and focused on Christ could struggle so much on even simply communicating with its Savior a few weeks later. I know that the answer is a sinful nature; that what I set my heart and thoughts on directs the path my life then follows. But I've fought with God the last two weeks. I've asked Him to show me where there may be unconfessed sin, since I haven't felt His presence, His guidance; my prayers feel like they are going unheard. I've pled the Psalms where David confidently cries out to God, repeating the promises God made of hearing his prayers. "How long, oh Lord?" I've asked. I've prayed for wisdom, for clarity, for peace, for forgiveness, for a clean heart, for a new spirit, for answers. I've prayed for the endurance to continue, for confidence in my asking, for an increase in my belief.

I guess I'll have to rely on what I can't see. I have to continue by faith. My God has never proven Himself to be unfaithful; He won't start now. I need to stop and assess my thoughts, my motives, my heart- and give them up to Christ. I need to seek my solace in my Savior, my rest in my Redeemer, my peace in the Prince of peace.

I need to give up doing everything in my own strength. It's never going to work.
Praise God it doesn't have to. He is enough.

For Further Notice

It is another one of those nights where I find myself sitting on the floor in front of my closet crying. Overwhelmed at the amount of work due this week. Stressed that my timing will fail and so will my assignments. Feeling like a failure in my actions and disappointed in my responses.
These nights are occurring more frequently than they should.

As always, I eventually end up crying out to my Maker, knowing that He is the only One who could possible understand my befuddled heart and my confused complaints. But more importantly, the only One who has a solution to my situation.

He brings to my mind His promises in Scripture. Soothes my heart with songs of praise called to remembrance. Fills my emptiness with hope and blessings, reminding me of Who He is. Mark Schultz's songs "Lord, You Are", "He Is", and "I Am" all come to my mind. Descriptions of my mighty Savior wipe out my foolish fear.

The ending to these nights is always the same. I realize that I am tired and everything seems blown out of proportion when I reach that state. I realize that my God is big, even though I feel small. That He is able and willing to deliver me. That He "delighteth in me", as Psalm 18 says. That if the King of kings is for me, who can stand against?

I often go back and read through past blog posts. So, for future reference, Self, take note and take heart. God remains the same. Forever faithful and forgiving. He always comes through.
Save the tears and the pity-party and remember these things.

The Heart-Satisfier

The love of God is incomparable. Indescribable. Everlasting. Satisfying. Remarkable. Gracious. 

The more I learn about the characteristics of my Savior's love, the more I experience the purest satisfaction that the comfort of His love brings, the more I stand in awe.

I have been reading through John Piper's "Taste and See" the last few weeks. One of my favorite phrases I have encountered so far is this: "Christ is our heart-satisfier".

Think on that. Meditate on it.

If I believe that the only source of TRUE satisfaction  is in my Savior and King- that He alone is my heart-satisfier- then how should that affect my actions? Why would I still try to find my satisfaction in friendships, fitting in, work, status- when deep down I know that I won't find lasting joy and peace in these things?

Such a challenging thought to enter this holiday season with. Meditating on the fact that joy, peace, love, and satisfaction are found only in my Savior will in turn cultivate a focus on the eternal. And what an urgency there is for such a focus! 

Silent Night

I have been blessed as a college student to not have too many late nights of class work or cramming. But tonight, I made the decision to stay up past midnight to work on a lengthy English paper.

In the quietness of my room with the soft glow of my two small Christmas trees, I contemplate how blessed I am. Silent Night softly plays through my headphones as I pause my typing fingers.

Silent night, holy night,
All is calm, all is bright.

The lyrics catch my attention, for the truth in my current situation rings out. Rarely is my mind in such a place that I can lean back and rest in the quietness of the evening, the midnight hour. An unusual calm has settled about me, the soft glow of my trees add to the mood. Then I realized: not only is the softness of my room quite and calm, but by the grace of God through my Savior I can proclaim my soul as calm, declare my future as bright.

Christmas is just a few weeks away. Too often in the rush of daylight do I regret the quickness with which time passes, the constant rush that life seems to keep pace with. I often forget that I have the power of Christ within my humble frame. Never should I feel the need to race on to the next thing. Seeking rest in my Savior and resting in the promises of my King can make the busyness of the morning as silent and calm as the peaceful night.

What a blessing. Peace in the midst of struggle. Rest in the midst of busyness. Silence in the midst of chaos. Jesus in the midst of it all.

Thank You, Father, for this reminder.

Waiting...

I am impatient.

I am impatient in most areas of my life.

Okay, I am impatient in all areas of my life.

Especially in the relationship area. I have been growing steadily impatient-er (I know, it isn't a word) the last few weeks- if I am honest, the last few months- with my lack of a special relationship.

Here I could go off on a theological discussion of how I know that the most important, special, exciting, pleasing, fulfilling, deepest, relationship I could ever dream of being in is the relationship between myself and my Savior, my King, my God, my Lord. I know this. In the deepest depth of my heart I understand this. My brain constantly pulls me back to this fact. But, I am sinful. I seek pleasure in things other than my incomprable relationship with my Creator. So if you continue reading this post, bear in mind that this is the rant and realization of a sinner who knows better, who knows the Answer to this heart problem, who recognizes that this does boil down to a heart/sin problem. So here, instead of preaching to myself right away, I will delve into why I have been growing impatient.

It seems everyone I know is in a relationship, starting a relationship, or happy with the love of their life. Meanwhile, I have no social life (again, I could go into a discussion of why this is my own fault- but that would destroy this lovely pity party). I spend my life working full time with people I do thoroughly enjoy working with (but no eligible fellows there), balancing a full college load of 15 credit hours (with four of those classes being online, again leaving no eligible fellows- just grammatical ignoramuses). The few moments I spend outside this bubble of work and school, I grow a negative attitude that I never get noticed. No one is ever going to see past this face of disinterest I have been told I put off. I don't mean to seem that way!

This pity party is not one I desire to linger in. I knew I needed to lose this 'tudage and get over myself. Unfortunately I started complaining to God. Here I am, trying to wait on Your timing and not rush into anything I try to create on my own. But Your timing is soooo slow! I mean, I am not growing any younger, and in my perfect picture of my life, I should be in a serious relationship right now in order to be married and have a child by 23. Are You ever going to bring the right guy into my life? Or does Your plan leave me all alone? Quite a foolish argument when I see it typed out. But this sinner's heart is foolish. After thinking such thoughts even last night, God had a plan for me today.
First off, my mom sent me this picture in an email:

Source: polyvore.com via Rose Ann on Pinterest

Then, my Pandora account played John Waller's "While I'm Waiting" song twice while I was getting ready for church. Such beautiful lyrics and reminder of what I should be doing. Here is a video of the song:

 

 

 

Okay, I get the reminder. Thank You, Father, for sending that song to me at this time. But His plan for this morning was not finished. The title of today's sermon was "Learning to Wait Well". Hmmm. I admit that tears welled up several times during the sermon, as well as during the worship service song lyrics "I will wait for You". My detail-oriented God orchestrated this morning as a reminder for this foolish daughter of His. He knows what He is doing. He knows my heart and my desires- He created me with such desires. He also knows that while I wait for His plans to come about, He can orchestrate something within my own heart, something that draws me closer into our relationship.

 

I am impatient. But I will be attempting to worship, serve, and grow deeper with my Savior in the wait.



 



The End of Summer

Life just goes by too quickly. It truly is "even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away", as James 4:14 says. My hand cramps every time I write the date as "8-something-12"! I simply cannot fathom how quickly this summer has passed me by.

And passed me by it truly has. It hurts me to say that I now look back over this summer with clarity and see a soul wrapped in immaturity and selfishness. I lived for myself this summer, regrettably not reaching out to those around me with the hands of Christ, but rather creating a ruckus to draw the attention of others to myself. Case in point:

"Look at how rough I have had it this summer! I worked full time and took two college classes. Look at how responsible I am being! I am acting like such an adult. Poor me! This time of my life should be filled with fun like everyone else around me, not with all of this work."

Sad, pathetic, immature, and selfish; and, unfortunately, the truth. Though I knew that I had been sporting a less-than-charming attitude, I didn't really care to see the center of the issue. But living for oneself, even for just a little while, doesn't satisfy; after a while I decided to re-read my long-ago bought book, Life Quest. The opening chapter discussed how today's 20-something generation refuses to grow up, instead choosing to dwell in immaturity and irresponsibility of youth.

Uh-Oh. 

Last week I began a quest to change this attitude, trying to place the focus of my life rightfully on my Savior. This means bringing honor to Him in every area of my life- even in my diet and exercise. I acknowledged that my Pepsi habit (consuming more than 32 oz a day!) was just another way to please myself. As difficult as it has been, I have successfully not had a pop in 8 days :D. It may sound foolish, but for me this was one way that I could make a sacrifice that not only denied myself, but was also better for my body- in a small way honoring God through taking care of the vessel He has given me.

Other changes have been made in my life this last week. Communication has increased between me and my Savior. Delving deeper into the Scriptures has helped focus my attitude. Remembering that I am to be a reflection of Christ has impacted how I behave at work.

God is changing me; I am just a little stubborn.

Final Week of Freshman Year

Three more finals- two of which are tomorrow- and I will be a college SOPHOMORE, no longer a freshman. That is big.

I have done a lot of contemplating about what has gone on in this last school year. I experienced many firsts; first taste of college, first college papers, first relationship, first full time job. First time I have felt I was regressing in my spiritual life, first time I experienced difficulty in finding time to pray or read scripture, first time I thought too much of myself and experienced a gigantic let down. First time I felt that I was being an "adult", first time I decided I did not like being said adult.

As difficult, disappointing, dissatisfying, as some aspects of this last school year were, not to mention how far away I felt at times in my spiritual walk, I think that I can look back and say that even though I can't "see" upward growth, the difficult times that I had grew me deeper in my relationship with Christ. Experiencing doubt, frustration, and anger- both at life and self- made me seek for a deeper answer, a deeper knowledge, and deeper faith.

Do I want next semester to go exactly like this one did? No. I am ready for something new, more exciting, and less frustrating. Will I get what I want? Probably not, but I know one thing for sure- I will get what I need:

Philippians 4:19, "But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Matthew 6:30-32, "Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things."
Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."

Thankful that this semester is nearly behind me. Looking forward to the month off of classes I get to enjoy before summer classes start. Praying that I will be growing closer to my Savior, to my family, and to fulfilling my purpose.

And.... Here IT is! Settle down for a semi-long Read :)

Here is the answer to the motives I saw in myself on my SMITE trip. Enjoy the read but be ready to learn from my mistakes! Search your motives and be prepared for God to show you ways in which you need to improve. I am so glad that I did. (The following Narrative Essay is 4 and 1/4 pages long.)

“An Innocent "Yes""- or "From Dread to Delight ”

A simple “yes” was the reply of the short, elderly, white haired lady, yet it brought tears to my eyes. I had merely asked her if she was finding what she was looking for, but her voice was so sweet and innocent, peace-filled and child-like, that I wanted to hug her and invite her to my church. I dashed into a fitting room I had just cleared of clothes and quickly wiped the tears away with my sleeve. Wow, I thought to myself, what has gotten into me? My mind wandered back to nearly two months earlier...

I really did not want to go. Why did I sign up for this anyway? I never should have said I would go! I repeated in my head. It was costing me two weeks of pay, would be uncomfortable, inconvenient, and out of my control. Sure, a week and a half long missions trip to Staten Island, New York, seemed like the “right” thing to do six months ago. I loved the challenge of the rigorous Bible study, verse memorization, and weekly serving projects that were required for the trip. I would nearly burst with excitement and pride when people asked what my plans were for the summer. My response would be along the lines of “I am going on a missions trip to New York. I wanted to make a difference in my senior year of high school.” I would go on to talk of some of the amazing things I would be doing on the trip, of all the things I had to do to qualify for the trip, yada yada yada. But when it really came down to it, when I had to leave at five the next morning for our day-long drive, I was desperately looking for a way to escape. It was dangerous, as we would be staying near the projects of New York City, there were not enough adult leaders going, it wasn't well planned... I searched for any valid reason not to go. In desperation, I nearly called my Youth Pastor, “I changed my mind! Get my name off the list- I am not going!” But there was no easy, reasonable excuse not to go. Besides, not going would be a huge disappointment to my Pastor, youth group, and most importantly, myself. I would regret not having the experience of a missions trip, the memories sure to be made on the trip, and the stories to tell those back home. I can just feel the heat burning up my neck and landing on my cheeks if a co-worker asked how my trip went:“Well, uh, I decided not to go, because, um, I freaked out the night before.” If I did decide against going, I would be missing my only opportunity to go to New York City: to see the Statue of Liberty, walk in Time Square, and shop the streets of New York. I lied in bed that night crying, confused, and convicted by my own guilt.

Get a grip. Get a grip! Do not cry. You cannot change anything now. It can only get better. Though the word hesitant is too weak to describe my feelings about the trip, I was sitting on the bus and over two hours away from home. I tried not to think about the trip itself too much, but there wasn't much else to do. Conversation eventually started with the girl next to me- who I looked up to greatly and wished myself to be like her quirky, fun, creative self. I gleefully discovered that she had not really wanted to go either. As we talked, I admitted how selfish it was for me to have wanted to back out, “the trip is not about me, anyway. It is about sharing the Gospel and helping these missionaries”. Stating the godly reasons why I made the decision to go on the trip- despite not wanting to- comforted me. I was doing the right thing. I started to get excited for the trip for the first time- but still had no idea what I was getting into.

Our missionary family, the W----s, were of such a gentle and sweet spirit that they generously let the eight of us girls (each with her own air mattress) fill the floor of their living room and dining room. I ended up offering to sleep with just a sleeping bag under the dining room table so that all of us could stay together in the same space. I desperately needed some sort of a routine, so I quickly created a habit. I got up first every morning, got myself ready, then cleaned up everyone's air mattresses while they got dressed. I helped with breakfast, lunch or dinner, then set up the mattresses back up again in the evening. “You have such a sweet servant's heart” I was told. I was the mature, spiritual, sweet girl, who did everything for everyone. I chuckled at the teasing nick name of “Momma Amber” that the youngest two girls gave me in response to my “motherly” care and responsible manner. The rest of each day was filled with leading Vacation Bible School, park ministry, and teen activities. From six in the morning until eleven at night, we were busy with serving, eating, or sight seeing. By the end of each day we were drained and exhausted, knowing that it would repeat itself again the next day.

Tuesday, the first day of our mission work and outreach, was intimidating, but the children we worked with in VBS were so open to attention and love that the work was enjoyable. I asked the kids questions about themselves, and chatted about our trip, but never really pursued the topic of my faith. This topic could not be ignored in our park ministry, however. Our goal was to spend two hours inviting kids at the park to come to either our Vacation Bible School in the morning, or our Teen Revival meetings at night. As twenty-some of us unloaded from the fifteen passenger van into the park in the projects the first time, none of us really knew what the response of those at the park would be. We grabbed our bag of gospel bracelets that we made during our lunch break, as well as a few tracts that explained the gospel story, and stood in a unsure cluster. Knowing that I absolutely could not control the response I would receive, I took a deep breath and approached a few girls on the playground asking them if they wanted a bracelet. They were happy to receive a little trinket and intrigued when I explained that it had a special meaning; “Each of the five colors on the bracelet tell a story. If you come to our activities in the morning, you can find out what the colors mean!” To my amazement, they were excited and asked questions about the location and time of out VBS, stating that they might come. I excitedly moved to the next boy that I saw and did the same. Soon every child in that park (as well as a few adults) was wearing one of our bracelets.

But simply inviting kids to our activity and handing out bracelets was not enough. God challenged me to push myself even further outside my comfort zone. I soon had the opportunity to explain the Gospel story to two different little girls. “I don't think my mom will let me come. Can you pleeeease tell me what the colors mean?” one of the girls asked. I had a moment of panic, What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don't understand? What if I come across as a freak? In a blink of an eye, my mind went through all of the previous times I let my fear of man or my want of making a good impression stop me from telling this gospel story. I thought of all the opportunities I missed to share God's love with others similar to these innocent girls- perhaps the only time that they would hear His story. But this time was different. I prayed, and God let the words of my heart come through my lips. I explained the color of each bead; the black bead representing the bad things that we have done, the red bead a picture of the shed blood of Christ, the only One who can pay for our sin, the white bead showing that our hearts are made clean and forgiven when we ask Jesus to be our Savior, the green bead a symbol of growth necessary for the Christian, and the yellow bead a reminder of our eternal home in heaven, if we accept Christ as our Savior. Though one of the girls kept asking questions, the light in her eyes showed me that she was beginning to understand.

The joy that God gave me in my obedience to Him was so powerful, that I lost my selfish reasons and facade, truly wanting the same thing that He wanted- to have others know about Him, for the chance to be one with Him, to know of His crazy deep love for them. My heart was soaring; it was several hours before the smile left my face. I have never felt like I was where I was supposed to be more than when I was in that little park in the projects of Staten Island, New York, getting soaked by water bottles while handing out beaded bracelets. I had totally forgotten my fear and selfishness and in that moment was lost in the greatness of my God and the Gospel He had given me. I was “doing the right thing”, but felt more joyful and fulfilled than I can ever remember.

The rest of the trip continued in a similar routine, but there was no way I could forget the innocence and sweetness of those two girls. I hummed as I got ready first and cleaned up the air mattresses while teasing the younger girls. I got to know our missionary family through conversation as I helped with dinner and talked to my Savior through prayer while setting the mattresses back up at night. I hugged the girls when they called me “Momma Amber”, and enjoyed sightseeing with the great team I was with. I looked for ways to share my faith with the Liberian teenagers from our teen revival evenings and with children who came to VBS as a result of our park ministry. I left Staten Island a week later, exhausted, content, and joyous. I came back home to the same world that I left a few weeks ago. I overcame my fear of public speaking and talked about my missions experience in front of over 500 church family members. I break out into a grin when I see kids running around at the mall, and say a greeting to those I pass on campus. I do not plan my schedule out as much each week and I look for ways to brighten someone else's day.

My mind jerks back to the present, away from the sights of New York City and the Liberian people God used to teach me a lesson. Glancing in the fitting room mirror shows that none of my mascara has smeared, so I head back out to the sales floor. I look for the little old lady who started this, but she is nowhere to be found. I sigh and send a quick prayer of thanks for her. The innocence of her reminded me of sharing the gospel with those sweet girls, and her air of vulnerability pulled me back to the moment that I dropped my facade and made myself vulnerable to the work of Christ. I go back to work with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

(The missionary's last name was deleted for privacy reasons)

Workin', Workin', Workin'

The past two weeks I worked more than 50 hours.
Today is my third day off in three weeks.
I feel as if I am living at jcpennys.
And it is only gonna get worse.
Gotta love back to school season :)

I have learned many lessons through my job~ even more so in the last few months. Trying to lead a team of various ages and personality traits can be difficult. So is trying to find the balance of letting things slide and being protective of the team when other departments tend to misuse and abuse our team's job. But learning these people skills, leadership skills, strategizing and problem solving skills will benefit me the rest of my life. And, I am actually having a blast while doing it.

God is good great amazing. I love my job and the people I work with. And to think that I didn't even really want to work there 2 years ago. His plan is definitely way better than mine!

State Fair and Third Day/ Mercyme concert tonight! :D