Moving On

It was recently brought to my attention how much time has passed since I last posted anything on this blog.

It is true.

My reasons for this vary, but most importantly, I saw the need to move on. To change. To try something new. To take the lessons I have learned and use them to propel me into a better future.
I have yet to decide what to do with this blog; therefore it has been neglected.

I haven't stopped writing, journaling, blogging; I have simply moved on to something new. And what a time to share this news! The second day of a new year.

Change can be scary, but it's worth it. So follow the King, heed to His callings, and hide His Word in your hearts. Through all that happened last year and all that is to come this year, King Jesus reigns. Amen.

~His Beloved

A Time for Change

It can be exciting, delightful, fun, and refreshing.
It can be difficult, painful, heart-breaking, and depressing.
But you can't resist it forever. Eventually, you accept it and move on, creating a new routine, a new perspective, a new normal. Rarely is it easy; often is it for our own good.

This week marks a lengthy list of changes in my life. Some joyous or unexpected; these I gratefully receive and enjoy working into my life. Others are tough and tiring; these I have withstood and have only grown to accept them out of necessity. But there is a reason for everything and when I pause my pity-party to consider the positive, I can truly be thankful for all the changes happening in my life: the easy and the hard, the pleasant and the taxing, the ones I like and the ones I dislike.

A year ago, I would have let such changes drive me to the state of an emotional roller-coaster. With my intense and unrestrained desire for control, the difficult changes occurring in my life would have whisked me to a mild state of despair, while the unexpected changes would have moved me to a desperation to rule my own future. I know this because I experienced it. My foolish heart believed that I did have control of my life and if something went wrong, I was then responsible for the outcome, thus dooming myself to be a failure. Past posts on the blog tell the tale of my crash, burn, and cries to my Savior to pick up the pieces of the mess I made. My failure brought me to beg forgiveness for forgetting that this life is not my own; with the price of His pure blood, Christ bought me to glorify the Father (I Corinthians 6:19-20). In seeking my own control, I sought to place the creature above the Creator (Romans 1:25); to put myself on the throne of my heart. But Jeremiah 17:9 tells me clearly, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

I am thankful that my Savior lovingly led me through the hard lesson taught many times over; God is in control, I am not. All of my careful planning, my devised steps, if made without submission to what my Lord wills, is all for naught, because I can do nothing on my own: "And which of you with taking thought can add to his stature one cubit?" (Luke 12:25). Proverbs 16:9 states: "A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps." However, God doesn't leave me on my own. As the perfect Father, He lovingly provides all my needs, directs my way, and guides my heart if I but submit to His will for me (Luke 12:31). Knowing that my life is not my own, but enslaved to Christ, I should take joy in bearing the easy burden my King gives me (Matthew 11:30).

I may not be able to control the changes that occur in my life, but I can control my reaction to them. May I prayerfully come to the Father with thanksgiving for the changes He is working in my life. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

The Heart-Satisfier

The love of God is incomparable. Indescribable. Everlasting. Satisfying. Remarkable. Gracious. 

The more I learn about the characteristics of my Savior's love, the more I experience the purest satisfaction that the comfort of His love brings, the more I stand in awe.

I have been reading through John Piper's "Taste and See" the last few weeks. One of my favorite phrases I have encountered so far is this: "Christ is our heart-satisfier".

Think on that. Meditate on it.

If I believe that the only source of TRUE satisfaction  is in my Savior and King- that He alone is my heart-satisfier- then how should that affect my actions? Why would I still try to find my satisfaction in friendships, fitting in, work, status- when deep down I know that I won't find lasting joy and peace in these things?

Such a challenging thought to enter this holiday season with. Meditating on the fact that joy, peace, love, and satisfaction are found only in my Savior will in turn cultivate a focus on the eternal. And what an urgency there is for such a focus! 

Attitude Again?

I hate it when I notice a poor attitude being displayed in my demeanor. Especially the fact that I KNOW I need to be on guard against such behavior during the last week of the month: set week at work means crazy shifts, lots of hard work, and really late nights. Really late. Like 2 or 3 am late. But in the midst of all of this, I always end up having a fun time the the lovely crazy folks I work with- I may gripe a bit while working, but it is mia familia at home that bears the brunt of my change in attitude. Ironic and sad fact. My safe haven from everything swirling in my life is the same place I let my attitude deteriorate. I snap at my sister, gripe and complain to an enormous extent, and bear a morose expression. As James states in chapter 3 verse 10 of his book, "my brethren, theses things ought not so to be". I should be a servant in my home- everywhere, actually- but most importantly in the midst of the family that holds and protects, loves and accepts me,  cares for and loves me. I wonder why I feel like I can treat those closest to me in such a way. I am the most selfish at home, the laziest, the most grumpy. I believe that this boils down to a heart problem. Ephesians 6:6 aays that serving should be, "Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart". I understand this fact, but last week, the knowledge was just surface deep- no action was taken to serve anyone but myself- and I even did that with an attitude! "Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin", James 4:17. I sinned constantly last week. Perhaps the worst part of it all was knowing I needed to change my attitude, yet NOT doing so. At times I tried- I hate the feeling of a bad mood, for the most part- but I tried in my own strength, and failed miserably. It wasn't until yet another breakdown Sunday afternoon (yet again about college :P) and a Spirit filled Church Family Night (of which I almost chose not to go) that I finally asked my Savior to rid me of my attitude as He has rid me of the penalty of my sins. Much conviction, prayers, and simply resting in my Savior and everything He is, was the cure for this attitude issue. I have so much more to learn- praising my God that His mercies are new every morning!

Better Now...

I have no way to tell if anyone actually read my last post- but if you prayed, I am very grateful!
This morning at 6:30, once I had gotten ready for my 7:30 COMM class, I sat down at the kitchen table and spent much needed time with my Lord. I broke down the wall I seemed to have built up between us. I confessed what I knew to be true; I had gone my own way, and though I knew what was good, I did it not- therefore it became sin (James 4:17). I had turned my own way and saw that it led to disappointments, stress, anger, and sorrow.
No, I am not back to where I was. But now I am facing the right direction- downward on my knees.

Thank You, only Savior, for guiding and providing, for grace and mercy, for forgiveness and love.

Costume Parties, Changes, November- Oh my!

I had a pretty amazingly fun weekend. I went to dinner/costume shopping with a friend, then enjoyed a hoot of a time at PBF with the college crew. Most everyone dressed up in costumes (sadly, I did not get pictures), and afterwards, we all went bowling. It was a hilariously good time.
I worked Saturday, and was able to be more of the Team Leader that I am supposed to be (working with an amazing team of people!).
Sunday service was good as always, Women of Character class was insightful, and fellowship was nice. I had lunch with my friend followed by attending an antique show. It was his "introduction" to antiquing, but he seemed to not mind it too much. I had fun walking through with him, seeing things through his first-timer eyes. We stopped and asked the antiquers questions about their trade and goods, gaining valuable information. We walked and talked around the mall afterwards, then headed to another costume party. This one was fun too :). I was able to spend some time chatting with a senior gal who had also been homeschooled (she was such a good example of a godly young woman, and was wonderful in conversation!). We played a few mixer-type games (myself failing, but having fun :), then headed home.

Unfortunately, you can't view my awesome boots, but it is a pretty good shot of my pirate gettup :)

I am going through some life changes right now, trying to balance everything, but continually dropping something by mistake. It seems like I cannot learn to simply rely on God~ I suppose it is a lifelong lesson. Prayers for wisdom would be appreciated!!!

One last note: tomorrow starts November. GAH!!!! That means that Black Friday is a few short weeks away. And I work in retail. It also means that Christmas is next month (and a day, but what's the difference?). Dear Lord, I plead for patience and peace for the next few weeks!

Hopefully I shall update with more verses soon!!! Thank you for checking in : )

It IS coming... I promise!

I have decided to answer my earlier post about the motives I had in and on the SMITE trip in the form of my Narrative Essay (I figured since I had to write it for a grade, why not reuse it on the blog?). I am in the final processes of editing it~ posting will soon follow. Patience will pay off!

I have also been going through some interesting changes in my life. I am not sure how to explain it, so this topic may be pursued at a later time~ once I understand the implications of it myself. Throughout it all, though, I know that: 1) God is in control, and 2) He works all things together for good- my good and His glory.

In closing, I want to share a verse that stuck in my head this morning, and has been on my lips all day:

Psalm 86:11,  "Teach me thy way, O Lord; I will walk in Thy truth: unite my heart to fear Thy name."

Then and now: changes of the heart

The last few weeks have been difficult. I felt like I was disconnected: my heart from my head, my school life and work life, my soul and my Savior. Trying to work through these feelings has been a challenge, since i don't really know what is going on. Trying to find a new routine, fitting in all my college projects, trying to balance work, trying to get together with other Christians socially, and trying to make the time to read my Bible and pray.
I have been listening non-stop to my new Anthem Lights CD for the past two weeks. Just this morning I realized that this song describes my life this week:

Yesterday I went to the 8:00 service. The morning worship was just what my heart needed. I finally came to the conclusion (not just in my head, but with my heart in agreement this time) that God is everything I long for.
Think about it, soak it up, let it sink in.
I think I have been desiring too many things lately; popularity, "fitting in", balance, someone who wants me for me- someone who desires to spend time with me, get to know everything about me, someone to hold me, and for me to cling to. Not a family member, or friend, but someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Sunday, it finally clicked. Jesus Christ is that Someone. I had been wanting a guy to love me and hold me, to desire to get to know me, and had overlooked the One who already has done that. My Savior desired to know me, to spend the rest of eternity with me- but He didn't just want that, He acted on it. Before I even knew Him, I hated Him, I was His enemy. I reveled in the one thing that kept us apart- my sin. He loved me so deeply, so sacrificially, that He took the punishment for my sin, dying my death to save me from my own self-destruction. His love ran so deep that He, "for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross" (Hebrews 12:2), knowing that it was the only way to draw me to Him. His love is so great that even this past week, when I was unfaithful to Him, looking for other things to satisfy my soul, He lovingly waited for me with open arms, wooing me back to Him Who is Love. All I needs are met in Him; all I long for is found in Him; my future is known to Him; my life is held by Him.
Now I have re-focused my desires. I have changed my direction of searching. I now have that connection between my head and my heart, my soul and my Savior. I can't believe how I made it through the week without my constant speaking to Him who holds my life, and now, once again, my heart. This Anthem Lights song sums it up well :D.

Praying that this lesson will stick with me. Even if it doesn't though, I still have the constant presence of my All-in-all, Jesus Christ (Matthew 28:20).