The Savior's Solace in Summer Stress

The start of another semester awaits me tomorrow. As I looked over my course syllabus for each class today, the usual worry creeped into my mind. The fear that I can't do all that I must to fulfill the requirements for my classes. The fear that the work of two summer classes, a full time work load, leading a girls Bible study, and being involved in the college class will become too overwhelming. The stress of balancing my schedule always burdens me on the first day of my semester.

But this time, the stress didn't send me into a state of despair. Though I may have uttered a sigh of "I can't do this", my heart didn't dwell on the thought. And I know the reason why.

This time, my heart and spirit had deeper roots in my Foundation. My King has revealed Himself to me in so many ways the last few months, that I've grown to seek comfort in His promises sooner rather than later. When life presents me with struggles and challenges greater than I can bear, I know and believe that my Creator holds my life and everything around me; to Him I run. I have no reason to wrestle with problems in my own weakness when my God has already conquered it. "My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever" Psalms 73:26.

Will this summer be easy? No. Will I become more reliant on my Savior in the stress and craziness of my work? I pray so. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me (Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5). He promises that I can do all things; not on my own, but through Him, by His power (Philippians 4:13). I know I can't do all this on my own. I'm trusting His leading in my life and claiming His promise in Proverbs 3:5-6; "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

At the end of last summer, I wrote a blog post lamenting my lack of growth and mis-focus. But this summer will be different. God has humbled and molded this heart to desire something more than temporary pleasures. I want to bring my King glory; to be a good visual representation of my Lord and Redeemer. I don't know why He has allowed this broken vessel to serve Him, but I'm so grateful for the opportunities He has provided me to honor Him with.

So, tomorrow I will start the day with this thought; Hallelujah, King Jesus reigns. My sin, my weakness, my pain, my failure, my unbelief; He is greater, stronger, mightier than it all. My Conqueror and King, Comforter and Peace, Love and Life-Source, my Everything is near me. What should I fear?

From Confusion to Celebration- all in one post!

I am confused.
Surprised? I think not. Here are a few reasons why:

•Finals begin this week- a big enough stress factor in itself, considering I haven't yet commenced studying for everything yet.
•Work has become surprisingly unfulfilling and disappointing. Not that I am necessarily sad about this- but more elaboration on this topic at a later date.
•Volunteering- both at the Community Center and in the four year old Sunday school class- has been rewarding, if not without some sacrifice. It has been an encouragement to see how much of a blessing I receive when I have the attitude desiring to be a blessing to others.
•I am coming to the realization of how important friendships are in my life; as well as how much this area has been forgotten and ignored during this last year.

"What is there to be confused about?" you may ask. Let me tell you a little secret: combining any of the two above topics results in some level of stress and confusion for this poor college student. Working full time, taking a full-time load of college classes, taking time out to volunteer, and keeping a few hours open to dedicate to growing friendships closer to Christ has resulted in a roller-coaster ride of emotions this last week.

But God is on His throne, His perfect plan is being put in place, and His Word serves as a comfort to my heart. I over think too much, worry too often, and fear the foolish things too regularly. But my life is a work in progress, being carefully crafted by my Creator, being molded into His image and likeness.

I am so utterly grateful that I am not left to struggle through this life on my own, hopeless, depressed, and lost. This spurs me both take comfort in the refuge of my Savior and to be challenged to share this love and peace with unbelievers.

Christmas is such an amazing time for the celebration and exultation of the coming of our Light of the world. Christmas is such a perfect opportunity to share such celebrations of hope and peace with those who have yet to come to the knowledge of His majesty.

Hallelujah. King Jesus reigns.

For Further Notice

It is another one of those nights where I find myself sitting on the floor in front of my closet crying. Overwhelmed at the amount of work due this week. Stressed that my timing will fail and so will my assignments. Feeling like a failure in my actions and disappointed in my responses.
These nights are occurring more frequently than they should.

As always, I eventually end up crying out to my Maker, knowing that He is the only One who could possible understand my befuddled heart and my confused complaints. But more importantly, the only One who has a solution to my situation.

He brings to my mind His promises in Scripture. Soothes my heart with songs of praise called to remembrance. Fills my emptiness with hope and blessings, reminding me of Who He is. Mark Schultz's songs "Lord, You Are", "He Is", and "I Am" all come to my mind. Descriptions of my mighty Savior wipe out my foolish fear.

The ending to these nights is always the same. I realize that I am tired and everything seems blown out of proportion when I reach that state. I realize that my God is big, even though I feel small. That He is able and willing to deliver me. That He "delighteth in me", as Psalm 18 says. That if the King of kings is for me, who can stand against?

I often go back and read through past blog posts. So, for future reference, Self, take note and take heart. God remains the same. Forever faithful and forgiving. He always comes through.
Save the tears and the pity-party and remember these things.

Waiting...

I am impatient.

I am impatient in most areas of my life.

Okay, I am impatient in all areas of my life.

Especially in the relationship area. I have been growing steadily impatient-er (I know, it isn't a word) the last few weeks- if I am honest, the last few months- with my lack of a special relationship.

Here I could go off on a theological discussion of how I know that the most important, special, exciting, pleasing, fulfilling, deepest, relationship I could ever dream of being in is the relationship between myself and my Savior, my King, my God, my Lord. I know this. In the deepest depth of my heart I understand this. My brain constantly pulls me back to this fact. But, I am sinful. I seek pleasure in things other than my incomprable relationship with my Creator. So if you continue reading this post, bear in mind that this is the rant and realization of a sinner who knows better, who knows the Answer to this heart problem, who recognizes that this does boil down to a heart/sin problem. So here, instead of preaching to myself right away, I will delve into why I have been growing impatient.

It seems everyone I know is in a relationship, starting a relationship, or happy with the love of their life. Meanwhile, I have no social life (again, I could go into a discussion of why this is my own fault- but that would destroy this lovely pity party). I spend my life working full time with people I do thoroughly enjoy working with (but no eligible fellows there), balancing a full college load of 15 credit hours (with four of those classes being online, again leaving no eligible fellows- just grammatical ignoramuses). The few moments I spend outside this bubble of work and school, I grow a negative attitude that I never get noticed. No one is ever going to see past this face of disinterest I have been told I put off. I don't mean to seem that way!

This pity party is not one I desire to linger in. I knew I needed to lose this 'tudage and get over myself. Unfortunately I started complaining to God. Here I am, trying to wait on Your timing and not rush into anything I try to create on my own. But Your timing is soooo slow! I mean, I am not growing any younger, and in my perfect picture of my life, I should be in a serious relationship right now in order to be married and have a child by 23. Are You ever going to bring the right guy into my life? Or does Your plan leave me all alone? Quite a foolish argument when I see it typed out. But this sinner's heart is foolish. After thinking such thoughts even last night, God had a plan for me today.
First off, my mom sent me this picture in an email:

Source: polyvore.com via Rose Ann on Pinterest

Then, my Pandora account played John Waller's "While I'm Waiting" song twice while I was getting ready for church. Such beautiful lyrics and reminder of what I should be doing. Here is a video of the song:

 

 

 

Okay, I get the reminder. Thank You, Father, for sending that song to me at this time. But His plan for this morning was not finished. The title of today's sermon was "Learning to Wait Well". Hmmm. I admit that tears welled up several times during the sermon, as well as during the worship service song lyrics "I will wait for You". My detail-oriented God orchestrated this morning as a reminder for this foolish daughter of His. He knows what He is doing. He knows my heart and my desires- He created me with such desires. He also knows that while I wait for His plans to come about, He can orchestrate something within my own heart, something that draws me closer into our relationship.

 

I am impatient. But I will be attempting to worship, serve, and grow deeper with my Savior in the wait.



 



Timing is Everything- and It's Out of My Control!!

I find it interesting that when we are little, we create expectations and hopes of what our life will be like in the far, far, FAR away future. For instance, as far back as I can remember, I have pictured myself graduated, married, and mother of two children at the age of 23. Today- alas, that "far, far away future" was not as far off as I had imagined!- as the year in which I turned 19 quickly passes me by I find myself shaking my head at these lofty expectations. Yes, I will likely graduate by that dream age, but married AND two children!! Highly unlikely, considering my not-as-content-as-I-should-be-with-being-single status.

Yet, there is still a part of me that yearns to meet my childhood expectations. Part of me that thinks I would be oh-so-content in this "perfect" pictured age. Part of me that seeks to strive for this status, that becomes discontent at the consideration that it may be slightly foolish.

My discontentment with my current state of life has only increased this past summer. I have wished that I was farther along in my college status, that I was exercising independence by living out on my own, that I had a special someone to text, talk to, and spend my time with. I have wished that I worked fewer hours so that I could increase my credit hours, then wished that I didn't have classes so that I could work more. I have had passing thoughts of panic that I will never be who I wished I would be, that I will never reach the status I seek, that I will forever be "stuck" in my current rut.

Of course- and unfortunately- this line of thinking and worrying stems from a selfish, self-focused heart. I spend so much time thinking about and trying to rush to the next phase of my life that I am missing out on the life lessons, experiences, and special moments in this phase. I am too busy trying to further my own kingdom and myself that I forsake HIS kingdom and my servanthood.

The debt to Him I owe. The life to Him I have pledged. The kingdom of His that I have signed up to fight for. The love of His I have promised to share. The old self I have committed to put off. The new life and Love I have cloaked myself with.

I have forgotten Him as my King, and placed myself on the throne. And it hasn't gotten me anything but heartache and frustration.

Is it bad to have dreams? Aspirations? (Reasonable) goals? No! However, once I placed my focus on reaching these things, I lost my concern and care for the things of the eternal. I rejected the idea- perhaps unknownly- that God is in control, and works all things together in HIS time. He knows best- for He knows all things; I, do not.

Learning (perhaps re-learning) this lesson has been difficult, but necessary. I will have to be reminded of this lesson again, for this world does a good job of distracting me from my Savior and eternity. In the meantime, though, it has once again brought to my attention the necesity of living where I am, with a focus not on next year (or the golden age of 23), but rather a thousand years from now. Time to start learning the lessons, enjoying the special moments and experiences of today, and place all other worries in my God's capable hands. It's worth the wait for His plan to come about, rather than stressing myself on that planning part. As the following song from 33 Miles says, "God has perfect timing, never early, never late. It takes a little patience and it takes a lot of faith, but it's worth the wait!"

Attitude Again?

I hate it when I notice a poor attitude being displayed in my demeanor. Especially the fact that I KNOW I need to be on guard against such behavior during the last week of the month: set week at work means crazy shifts, lots of hard work, and really late nights. Really late. Like 2 or 3 am late. But in the midst of all of this, I always end up having a fun time the the lovely crazy folks I work with- I may gripe a bit while working, but it is mia familia at home that bears the brunt of my change in attitude. Ironic and sad fact. My safe haven from everything swirling in my life is the same place I let my attitude deteriorate. I snap at my sister, gripe and complain to an enormous extent, and bear a morose expression. As James states in chapter 3 verse 10 of his book, "my brethren, theses things ought not so to be". I should be a servant in my home- everywhere, actually- but most importantly in the midst of the family that holds and protects, loves and accepts me,  cares for and loves me. I wonder why I feel like I can treat those closest to me in such a way. I am the most selfish at home, the laziest, the most grumpy. I believe that this boils down to a heart problem. Ephesians 6:6 aays that serving should be, "Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart". I understand this fact, but last week, the knowledge was just surface deep- no action was taken to serve anyone but myself- and I even did that with an attitude! "Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin", James 4:17. I sinned constantly last week. Perhaps the worst part of it all was knowing I needed to change my attitude, yet NOT doing so. At times I tried- I hate the feeling of a bad mood, for the most part- but I tried in my own strength, and failed miserably. It wasn't until yet another breakdown Sunday afternoon (yet again about college :P) and a Spirit filled Church Family Night (of which I almost chose not to go) that I finally asked my Savior to rid me of my attitude as He has rid me of the penalty of my sins. Much conviction, prayers, and simply resting in my Savior and everything He is, was the cure for this attitude issue. I have so much more to learn- praising my God that His mercies are new every morning!

Final Week of Freshman Year

Three more finals- two of which are tomorrow- and I will be a college SOPHOMORE, no longer a freshman. That is big.

I have done a lot of contemplating about what has gone on in this last school year. I experienced many firsts; first taste of college, first college papers, first relationship, first full time job. First time I have felt I was regressing in my spiritual life, first time I experienced difficulty in finding time to pray or read scripture, first time I thought too much of myself and experienced a gigantic let down. First time I felt that I was being an "adult", first time I decided I did not like being said adult.

As difficult, disappointing, dissatisfying, as some aspects of this last school year were, not to mention how far away I felt at times in my spiritual walk, I think that I can look back and say that even though I can't "see" upward growth, the difficult times that I had grew me deeper in my relationship with Christ. Experiencing doubt, frustration, and anger- both at life and self- made me seek for a deeper answer, a deeper knowledge, and deeper faith.

Do I want next semester to go exactly like this one did? No. I am ready for something new, more exciting, and less frustrating. Will I get what I want? Probably not, but I know one thing for sure- I will get what I need:

Philippians 4:19, "But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Matthew 6:30-32, "Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things."
Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."

Thankful that this semester is nearly behind me. Looking forward to the month off of classes I get to enjoy before summer classes start. Praying that I will be growing closer to my Savior, to my family, and to fulfilling my purpose.

Spring Break

I have had some extra time to enjoy myself this week during spring break. I went to almost all my antique stores- and asked about booth and employment opportunities-, tried out a new hole-in-the-wall diner, enjoyed several delish crushed-iced/vanilla shots/pepsis, and went for a long country drive with the windows down and music up. Sure, I had to work every night this week (it was just suppose to be 2 nights, but I am grateful for the extra hours), but it was awesome having all day to do whatever. AND we had amazing weather: 65-80 degrees. In March. In Indiana. <- that is pretty outstanding.


Hopefully it won't be as difficult to get back into the classes-at-7:30 morning routine as I am guessing it will be. Just 2 more months of classes, then a month long break, then summer classes, then 2 weeks off, then back to fall classes.
^that is a depressing schedule.
On a brighter note, I should be able to graduate with my Associates degree next spring. Not that the degree itself will help me with anything. After that small accomplishment, I then have to transfer somewhere to obtain a degree that will have an actual impact- like a Bachelor's degree in Business or Management. But I don't know where or what just yet.

Just so this post doesn't end in such a depressing manner, here are some random pictures :)

~Diamond ring Daddio bought me as a token and reminder of his love~

Picture of the ocean from my graduation trip- can't believe that was just last year!!

Awesome picture taken in my back yard

First made this for the banner of this blog- no, I don't wear my glasses anymore.

Pinterest is my new fave time waster- I really wanna buy a house like this and fix it up!!

Changes- For Better and for Worse

No, I am not saying wedding vows this week. THAT would be pretty crazy, considering I am bf free. But every other aspect of my life seems to be changing right now. Here are a few of my complaints  thoughts   complaints (I should just say it like it is).

- several 4-midnight shifts at work made for a long, stressful, tiring week
- situations at work causing me to inflate the desire to quit
- not being able to quit, or even bounce that idea around in reality's brain
- deciding what to do in the near future- school for the rest of the year (which relates back to #2-3)
- what college do I need to think about transferring to next fall?
- Do I consider pursuing my own antique store? to start working in a similar vocation?
- after finally really and truly turning from my sinful heart last week after Bible study, what should I be doing now to grow closer to Christ?
- How can I reach out more to others as a result of #7?
- etc. <- haha

Needless to say (yet, I say it anyway!), this has been one crazy, hectic, crazy, frustrating, long, tiring, crazy, week. But~ this week is bound to become easier, more godly, and one step closer to SPRING BREAK!!!!!!

*I will try to post more frequently. I haven't the slightest idea why it has been so long since my last post! ;)

Further away...

I seem to be lost in a section of my own mind.
Time goes through crazy periods of flying by and dragging on.
My 40 hour work weeks with 12 credit hours worth of homework- combined with 3-midnight shifts- have me feeling like I am losing the "grip" I had on my life.
I don't feel as needed or at the top of my game at work like I did before this position change.
I discovered that I had been placing my identity in my job and work life and not in my Savior- ouch.
I missed the first few Bible studies (one of the best parts of last semester) because of this crazy job- yet I complain about not getting enough hours or go in on my days off.
I have not been feeling satisfied with any aspect of my life: spiritual side has taken a step back (need to read and pray more), work has gone out of control, friendships have become dusty, and family has become more strained than it should.
When will this end?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!




Oh. As soon as I surrender. Hmph- that is a lot harder than it used to be. I think I have become pleased with the feeling of self accomplishment and fufillment, and have chosen to forget the ultimate satisfaction Christ alone can give. I have come to the point where my accomplishments have fallen flat and my "fufillment" has left me empty. But I still can't seem to get back to where I was, let alone move forward.

If you are reading this and you know me, I'd appreciate the prayer. I may not confess this by word of mouth, but I need help desperately. But only God can do that helping, and only I can accept it. I don't need a lecture, a how-to, or a stern command from man: I need to work this out between myself and my Savior. However, I do ask for prayer.
Thank you. And thank You Savior for not giving up on me yet or ever. I am seeking my way back to You- thank You for Your love and patience.

Update- the blog and my life :)

Every once in a while- a long while, that is- I desire some change. Good change though, preferably the kind I can control (human and perfectionist nature combined with a large dose of control freakism). Thus the new look on the blog (until I make the time to mold it into the "perfect" look).
But that is not the only change in my little life lately. Oh, no. I also have rearranged my class schedule to accommodate more hours at work. Ya see, I was offered a different position at jcp this past week- considering the lead position I currently hold will soon be dissolved. <- sadface. But I am excited about this new step forward in my life, cautioned to take it with much prayer and consideration.
In the process of dropping a class (leaving me with 12 credit hours, not 15), I discovered that my goal of obtaining my Associate degree is not that far from my grasp. My tentative future plan is as follows: take a science class this summer (it will be fast paced and hardcore, so most likely the only one I take), then take 5 classes this fall (fewer credit hours because of the increase of holiday hours at the job). That only leaves 6 classes for the 2013 spring semester- then I graduate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D

This is somewhat short lived happiness however. Because then I must decide my future steps. Kinda relying on God to show me what those will be when the time comes. Preferably as soon as possible, considering the natures I exhibit discussed above. Learning from this summer though, I doubt I will know until the middle of summer, 2013. *sigh*.
I have been contemplating many topics and rabbit trails in my mind lately. Not brave enough to post to the blogger world just yet, however. Stay tuned and you may find out (then again, I start classes back up next Monday combined with 38ish hours at work. I suppose you will learn a little bit about patience, ;).

I close with the acknowledgement that I need to post some pictures. I received some amazing gifts for Christmas from the wonderful/thoughtful/seemingly-all-knowing-momma that I can't wait to share!
Oh! And I have a new Bible reading strategy for this year. I should share it in a post soon. Maybe.

God bless and keep you. May He lead each of us to Him through whatever He wish; and may we follow willingly, understanding (or at least believing) that true joy is only discovered and bestowed through our King of kings.

Final grades of first college semester:

Principles of Management- A
Economics- A
English- A
Critical Thinking- A
Algebra- B


Several of these would be "A+", but alas, Ivy doesn't grade with "+" :(. Overall, I have been blessed with the grace to receive these grades (especially in Algebra, when I almost dropped out of the class!).

Christmas is in 5 days. May I remember to place my focus on the meaning of Christmas- the Creator of the universe came to be born a lowly birth, born to eventually die for the sins of the world. He came unto His own, but His own received Him not (John 1:11). "Surely He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on Him the iniquity of us all" (Isaiah 53:4-6). What a Savior!
Merry Christmas!

Last Day of November

EEK!
Yesterday we had our first real snow of the season~ thick, wet, beautiful white, snow.
It was a pain to drive in. But I appreciated the beauty of it from my warm inside view.

I find it hard to believe that tomorrow is the start of December. The year has gone by so fast! Yet, time is a funny thing, for the beginning of the year seems like ages ago. The days of my DVD school, easy job at work (before team leader status), and worrying about what degree I would pursue seem like a distant memory.
So maybe I am still worrying about my degree, but the other things still hold true.

I know that I am a different person than what I was in January. More mature, more skilled, more aware of my helplessness and sinful nature, more stressed, more excited about the future (though I have a better idea as to how difficult it may be). God has been good to me this year; He has grown me in my walk with Him, my relationships with others, and my view of self. He has held my hand through trials (the death of Grandpa, the worry of college, the fright of a missions trip to NYC), uplifted me in rejoicing (graduating high school, being promoted at work, starting college and succeeding in classes, sharing the Gospel), and been my constant companion during everything in between.

This next month is going to be crazy- college finals, Holiday hours at jcp, more future worries, etc. But I have the confidence and proof that my God will be there to carry me through it all, I just need to remember that He is standing with arms open, ready to answer my cry. And not forget the lessons I "learned" earlier this year about doing all on my own.

Philippians 4:19 ~But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Genesis 28:15 ~And, behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land; for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.

1 Peter 5:7 ~Casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you.

Luke 12:6-7 ~Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

Ephesians 3:20-21 ~Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

Roller Coaster Ride

Ecstatically high                             /           Depressingly low
Enthusiastic                                   /            Lethargic
Jumping-up-and-down-happy       /            Crying on my mom's shoulder
Relaxing on my only day "off"       /           Pounding out hours of schoolwork
Thanking and praising my Savior  /           Begging for the reason "why"
Thinking that things can't be better /          Feeling that things couldn't get worse


Yep, I am definitely enjoying this college life. Lord, give me wisdom in my life and walk with You. And a little emotional balance would be nice.
Your daughter,
AnW

Planning the future~ this time with prayer!

It is October.


:O

I love fall, but I have not really been able to enjoy too much of the season itself just yet. It seems as if each day is packed with school, school projects, work, homework, meetings, and perhaps a 20 minute slot of time in between, if I am lucky. I was not expecting this fall to have such a very busy and crazy schedule. But I am looking at my relationship with my Savior in a new light, and it is making all the difference!
But back to the main point of this post- it is October, and in the midst of this crazy life I am living, I have to plan my future. Tomorrow. Not my whole-future-in-its-entirety, mind you, just my next semester of college classes. Praying for wisdom and direction with this next stage of my life- but not too extremely worried. I know that God is in control and that He works all things according to His perfect will, for His glory, and for my good! =)
I am glad I have a God like that!

What?!? That in ME?!?

So I was planning/collecting from memory/brain-storming my Narrative Essay for my college English class. I decided to write about the changes of my heart through my SMITE trip (see full details of the trip at http://mylife-amberwilson.blogspot.com :D ). I was jotting down some differences in my perspective before and after the trip when I -for the first time- thought about my attitude during the trip.

*NEWS FLASH*

What I found out and reflected on surprised me. Maybe I was looking at my heart with a overly critical eye (I tend to be my hardest/worst/most-disappointed-in-myself critic), but I was kind of shocked to do an in-depth study at my motives.

Now that I perhaps have you somewhat intrigued, I will inform you that it is currently late and I have to go to bed (classes start early tomorrow). You, my dear blogger-reading-friend, will have to wait until I have another spare moment to find out what I have just discovered. It may put me in a bad light~ it may put me in a better light. Hope you enjoy this test of patience... I honestly don't know when I will have a chance to blog again in the near future. So sit tight~ and I challenge you to really study your own motives for the way you think/act/work. The results may surprise you.

Then and now: changes of the heart

The last few weeks have been difficult. I felt like I was disconnected: my heart from my head, my school life and work life, my soul and my Savior. Trying to work through these feelings has been a challenge, since i don't really know what is going on. Trying to find a new routine, fitting in all my college projects, trying to balance work, trying to get together with other Christians socially, and trying to make the time to read my Bible and pray.
I have been listening non-stop to my new Anthem Lights CD for the past two weeks. Just this morning I realized that this song describes my life this week:

Yesterday I went to the 8:00 service. The morning worship was just what my heart needed. I finally came to the conclusion (not just in my head, but with my heart in agreement this time) that God is everything I long for.
Think about it, soak it up, let it sink in.
I think I have been desiring too many things lately; popularity, "fitting in", balance, someone who wants me for me- someone who desires to spend time with me, get to know everything about me, someone to hold me, and for me to cling to. Not a family member, or friend, but someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Sunday, it finally clicked. Jesus Christ is that Someone. I had been wanting a guy to love me and hold me, to desire to get to know me, and had overlooked the One who already has done that. My Savior desired to know me, to spend the rest of eternity with me- but He didn't just want that, He acted on it. Before I even knew Him, I hated Him, I was His enemy. I reveled in the one thing that kept us apart- my sin. He loved me so deeply, so sacrificially, that He took the punishment for my sin, dying my death to save me from my own self-destruction. His love ran so deep that He, "for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross" (Hebrews 12:2), knowing that it was the only way to draw me to Him. His love is so great that even this past week, when I was unfaithful to Him, looking for other things to satisfy my soul, He lovingly waited for me with open arms, wooing me back to Him Who is Love. All I needs are met in Him; all I long for is found in Him; my future is known to Him; my life is held by Him.
Now I have re-focused my desires. I have changed my direction of searching. I now have that connection between my head and my heart, my soul and my Savior. I can't believe how I made it through the week without my constant speaking to Him who holds my life, and now, once again, my heart. This Anthem Lights song sums it up well :D.

Praying that this lesson will stick with me. Even if it doesn't though, I still have the constant presence of my All-in-all, Jesus Christ (Matthew 28:20).

Why am I at college?

I had kind of forgotten some of the lessons that our college class learned this summer. Then one of my freshman friends answered this question someone asked on her facebook wall: Why are you there (at Purdue)? Her answer pricked my heart (why couldn't I answer like this first?): To be the visible representation of Jesus Christ.

Looks like I need to refocus. Re-center my life around the fact that it is not mine- it is bought with a price and is to be lived out like my Savior's example.

Looks like I need to slow down. It is not all about the straight A's, or the academics,  or meeting new people. It is about being a light to a lost world. It is about being like Christ.

Looks like I have many things to work on this week. And it does not just include HW and work at jcp.

1st Day of College: I survived!

I am now an official college student.
Today I survived my first day of classes. I found each of my classrooms, was early for each, and once I was there, my stress level went way down (before-hand, though, it was at a dangerously high level :P). I actually had fun in my English class (way more laid back than what I was expecting, and my teacher is pretty cool), and I feel confident so far in my Algebra class (although understanding my teacher's accent is more difficult than understanding the material itself). I enjoyed my hour of time between my classes (spent reading in the library), and time went by pretty fast.

Trying to figure out my homework was a frustrating puzzle with missing pieces. I completed my English assignments due all the way through Friday already. That was fun and simple (example: answering questions about your writing habits, down-loading Blackboard IM, and reading the first chapter in our book-which I did before class). Trying to figure out how much of my Algebra homework was due, and whether it was due Wednesday or next Monday, left me snapping at my family, throwing my cat, and kicking my desk (okay, so maybe I slightly dropped my cat a foot from the ground- but she was on my desk). I think I did eventually figure it out, but I will message my instructor later (so thankful for modern technology!).

Tomorrow I have my Principles of Management and Economics class. Praying that all will go as well as today. My first class is at 7:30 (and even that early, things can go well, right?), and I will be done around 10:15.

God has blessed me with His peace when I know that I really don't deserve it. And that is exactly what I prayed for last night during a mini- break down. And He answered my prayer. What an awesome Lord I serve! May I look for opportunities to share His story and love even tomorrow.

Big Moments Bring Back Memories

I start college in a week.


^ that is a crazy, unbelievable, never-thought-I'd-say-that, statement.

I think that this summer I have had many statements that could be described as such. I turned 18, was promoted at work to team leader, went to New York City on a life-changing missions trip, figured out my semi-plan for the next two years, and went through some trials that drew me closer to Christ.

After contemplating all these monumental events in my life, I really wish that I could share this all with my Grandpa E. who passed away in 2008. I can just imagine his response, wise comments, and pride in his eyes for his oldest grand-daughter. I have thought about him many times this summer, wishing that I could share all of this with him. I did have the blessing to share some of these events with my Grandpa W., before he passed away from cancer this summer.
As hard as it is to not have my grandfathers with me in the flesh now, I have peace that I WILL see them again in heaven. It is comforting to know that I will be able to share all this with them in just a little while. After all this life is "Only Temporary" (I love this mercyme song! Listen to it below).

I suggest listening to the music, and not watching the video :)

I can't wait to start college, and turn the page to this new chapter in my life. I am blessed to have family around me to share all these new experiences with, and to have my grandfathers above me watching all I do. And of course, I have my Savior by my side, leading me "in paths of righteousness for His name's sake" (Psalm 23:3).