Saturday Night Struggles

Being the perfectionist and time manager that I am, I always decide the evening before what outfit I will wear the next day- complete with jewelry and shoes. Saturday night is no different, though I often spend more time deciding what to wear for the following Sunday morning than any other evening.

As I tried on outfit after outfit the past Saturday night, complaining about my body in one look, my lack of options in another, nitpicking the details of one navy sweater versus the other, I finally sighed with discontent and frustration and went with my fifth choice. "No one is even going to notice, anyway", I grumbled, "why do I even care what I'm wearing? Who am I trying to impress?" The last question halted further action. I knew the answer and didn't like it.

The "in-crowd". The popular kids. The group I never feel like I will be a part of. The circle of girls I see every week, but never get to talk to. The ones with whom my poor attempts at friendly conversation end in awkward silence. These women are always dressed fashionably, always put together, always have an air of confidence about them. My painful deliberation of what outfit to wear every Sunday stems from a desire to fit into this group.

I, in my prideful state of sinful flesh, had thought that I was past all my complaints of not "fitting in". I have written several posts about the topic (here and here), coming to the rightful conclusion that wanting to "fit in" shows an incorrect focus on my part. That, for one, I am just a stranger passing through to my final destination, to my true place of belonging. This world should never feel right. And two, my focus should not be how I am being served (feeling recognized and accepted by those around me) but rather how I can serve Christ by loving those around me in a way that glorifies Him.

"But Savior", I cry, "I never feel like I belong! I pour into certain individuals- sacrificing my time and comfort- and never get the favor, or even a simple "Hi, how are you?" in return for my service from the people who seem to be in the "in-crowd". What is wrong with me that I don't see? Why won't You let me feel accepted? Must I always feel like an outcast?"

I feel bad for ranting to Christ. I consider His life on earth with the realization that He never was accepted by those around Him. Talk about feeling like an outcast. The King of glory came down to save His wretched people and "his own received him not" (John 1:5?). His brothers shunned Him, His country didn't believe Him, the "in crowd" of religious leaders, where He should have been accepted joyfully, rejected Him to the point of plotting His murder. So then, where did Christ spend His time? The Creator of the universe devoted His life to time spent with the socially unacceptable, the unclean, the broken, the forgotten, the despised and rejected.

As I continued down this trail of thinking, I wondered; how did Christ constantly pour into those around Him with the right attitude? I read the gospels and see His patient, comforting, overly abundant love for His disciples; men that He spent three years of His life with, teaching and leading them, praying for them, loving and living with them. An these men were not who I- or anyone- would consider easy to love! I read the same accounts of Christ's love and see how stubborn, selfish, and stupid these men appear; they are blind to what Christ has done for them, they don't believe His words, they flee and disappear in Christ's darkest moment. But Christ, even with knowing all these things, even seeing the depths of their depraved hearts, chose to love them. Not just love them- He loved them with the same measure of love the Father bestowed to Christ!! After all these men did to Christ, He still died for them. After all those who claimed Him to be unacceptable, those who made Him their enemy, those who didn't think He was good enough, those who plotted His death; He chose to love them too, to the point of dying for their wickedness to give them the gift of eternal life and salvation.

That is the example of love I have to follow.

But what do I often do? To protect my pride, to keep myself from feeling hurt, I build a wall around myself. I have chosen to look down on that "in crowd", to see myself as better than them because of this or that. I don't display the example of love my Savior provides; rather, I do what my heart tells me will protect me from further hurt or risk of feeling left out. Of course, my heart tells me wrong because it is desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9).

I am trying to keep Christ as my heart's all consuming focus. Praying that He would take my dark and loathsome spots of sin and wash them white as snow. Change my selfish heart of flesh and renew it with one passionate for Him, one that overflows with His love for me in a serving love and care for those around me. Jesus, please work in my life. I'm lost without you and the state of my heart makes me hang my head in shame. "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10).

A Time for Change

It can be exciting, delightful, fun, and refreshing.
It can be difficult, painful, heart-breaking, and depressing.
But you can't resist it forever. Eventually, you accept it and move on, creating a new routine, a new perspective, a new normal. Rarely is it easy; often is it for our own good.

This week marks a lengthy list of changes in my life. Some joyous or unexpected; these I gratefully receive and enjoy working into my life. Others are tough and tiring; these I have withstood and have only grown to accept them out of necessity. But there is a reason for everything and when I pause my pity-party to consider the positive, I can truly be thankful for all the changes happening in my life: the easy and the hard, the pleasant and the taxing, the ones I like and the ones I dislike.

A year ago, I would have let such changes drive me to the state of an emotional roller-coaster. With my intense and unrestrained desire for control, the difficult changes occurring in my life would have whisked me to a mild state of despair, while the unexpected changes would have moved me to a desperation to rule my own future. I know this because I experienced it. My foolish heart believed that I did have control of my life and if something went wrong, I was then responsible for the outcome, thus dooming myself to be a failure. Past posts on the blog tell the tale of my crash, burn, and cries to my Savior to pick up the pieces of the mess I made. My failure brought me to beg forgiveness for forgetting that this life is not my own; with the price of His pure blood, Christ bought me to glorify the Father (I Corinthians 6:19-20). In seeking my own control, I sought to place the creature above the Creator (Romans 1:25); to put myself on the throne of my heart. But Jeremiah 17:9 tells me clearly, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

I am thankful that my Savior lovingly led me through the hard lesson taught many times over; God is in control, I am not. All of my careful planning, my devised steps, if made without submission to what my Lord wills, is all for naught, because I can do nothing on my own: "And which of you with taking thought can add to his stature one cubit?" (Luke 12:25). Proverbs 16:9 states: "A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps." However, God doesn't leave me on my own. As the perfect Father, He lovingly provides all my needs, directs my way, and guides my heart if I but submit to His will for me (Luke 12:31). Knowing that my life is not my own, but enslaved to Christ, I should take joy in bearing the easy burden my King gives me (Matthew 11:30).

I may not be able to control the changes that occur in my life, but I can control my reaction to them. May I prayerfully come to the Father with thanksgiving for the changes He is working in my life. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

October~ First Breath of Fall

October 1st. The beginning of fall. 

This year has just gone by too fast.

Fall is my favorite season- and why not?

Here are a few of my favorite things; sweatshirts, scarves, jeans, layers, hot cocoa, heavy blankets, clear crisp air, Bon fires, s'mores, corn mazes, costume parties, pumpkin scents, falling leaves, changing colors. Fall also comes with the halfway mark of this college sophomore semester- which is ridiculously crazy. 

Lately I have thought back to where I was at this time last year. Though I feel as if I have made no progress with my life this last year, I know it isn't true. A year of college classes is behind me, a new position title and another year of work experience is under my belt, and I am more aware of the depths of my own sinful depravity. The grace of my God- though I'll never understand it- has been appreciated in new levels, and the enduring love of my Savior has crossed all barriers I may have put up. I don't know why He pursues my loathsome heart, but am forever grateful for His saving power and seeking love. 

 

Although I know of these things, it is a constant battle to remember His promises and His claim on my life. I am not my own: "What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's"-1 Corinthians 6:19-20.

What a marvelous Lord I serve. He loves me when I go my own way. Loves me enough to guide my heart back to Him. Enough to remove the barriers I set up to protect myself, knowing that His protection far exceeds what I could attempt. 

Blessed beyond measure. 

 

What a amazing way to contemplate the beginning of this favored season!

The End of Summer

Life just goes by too quickly. It truly is "even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away", as James 4:14 says. My hand cramps every time I write the date as "8-something-12"! I simply cannot fathom how quickly this summer has passed me by.

And passed me by it truly has. It hurts me to say that I now look back over this summer with clarity and see a soul wrapped in immaturity and selfishness. I lived for myself this summer, regrettably not reaching out to those around me with the hands of Christ, but rather creating a ruckus to draw the attention of others to myself. Case in point:

"Look at how rough I have had it this summer! I worked full time and took two college classes. Look at how responsible I am being! I am acting like such an adult. Poor me! This time of my life should be filled with fun like everyone else around me, not with all of this work."

Sad, pathetic, immature, and selfish; and, unfortunately, the truth. Though I knew that I had been sporting a less-than-charming attitude, I didn't really care to see the center of the issue. But living for oneself, even for just a little while, doesn't satisfy; after a while I decided to re-read my long-ago bought book, Life Quest. The opening chapter discussed how today's 20-something generation refuses to grow up, instead choosing to dwell in immaturity and irresponsibility of youth.

Uh-Oh. 

Last week I began a quest to change this attitude, trying to place the focus of my life rightfully on my Savior. This means bringing honor to Him in every area of my life- even in my diet and exercise. I acknowledged that my Pepsi habit (consuming more than 32 oz a day!) was just another way to please myself. As difficult as it has been, I have successfully not had a pop in 8 days :D. It may sound foolish, but for me this was one way that I could make a sacrifice that not only denied myself, but was also better for my body- in a small way honoring God through taking care of the vessel He has given me.

Other changes have been made in my life this last week. Communication has increased between me and my Savior. Delving deeper into the Scriptures has helped focus my attitude. Remembering that I am to be a reflection of Christ has impacted how I behave at work.

God is changing me; I am just a little stubborn.

Attitude Again?

I hate it when I notice a poor attitude being displayed in my demeanor. Especially the fact that I KNOW I need to be on guard against such behavior during the last week of the month: set week at work means crazy shifts, lots of hard work, and really late nights. Really late. Like 2 or 3 am late. But in the midst of all of this, I always end up having a fun time the the lovely crazy folks I work with- I may gripe a bit while working, but it is mia familia at home that bears the brunt of my change in attitude. Ironic and sad fact. My safe haven from everything swirling in my life is the same place I let my attitude deteriorate. I snap at my sister, gripe and complain to an enormous extent, and bear a morose expression. As James states in chapter 3 verse 10 of his book, "my brethren, theses things ought not so to be". I should be a servant in my home- everywhere, actually- but most importantly in the midst of the family that holds and protects, loves and accepts me,  cares for and loves me. I wonder why I feel like I can treat those closest to me in such a way. I am the most selfish at home, the laziest, the most grumpy. I believe that this boils down to a heart problem. Ephesians 6:6 aays that serving should be, "Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart". I understand this fact, but last week, the knowledge was just surface deep- no action was taken to serve anyone but myself- and I even did that with an attitude! "Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin", James 4:17. I sinned constantly last week. Perhaps the worst part of it all was knowing I needed to change my attitude, yet NOT doing so. At times I tried- I hate the feeling of a bad mood, for the most part- but I tried in my own strength, and failed miserably. It wasn't until yet another breakdown Sunday afternoon (yet again about college :P) and a Spirit filled Church Family Night (of which I almost chose not to go) that I finally asked my Savior to rid me of my attitude as He has rid me of the penalty of my sins. Much conviction, prayers, and simply resting in my Savior and everything He is, was the cure for this attitude issue. I have so much more to learn- praising my God that His mercies are new every morning!

Final Week of Freshman Year

Three more finals- two of which are tomorrow- and I will be a college SOPHOMORE, no longer a freshman. That is big.

I have done a lot of contemplating about what has gone on in this last school year. I experienced many firsts; first taste of college, first college papers, first relationship, first full time job. First time I have felt I was regressing in my spiritual life, first time I experienced difficulty in finding time to pray or read scripture, first time I thought too much of myself and experienced a gigantic let down. First time I felt that I was being an "adult", first time I decided I did not like being said adult.

As difficult, disappointing, dissatisfying, as some aspects of this last school year were, not to mention how far away I felt at times in my spiritual walk, I think that I can look back and say that even though I can't "see" upward growth, the difficult times that I had grew me deeper in my relationship with Christ. Experiencing doubt, frustration, and anger- both at life and self- made me seek for a deeper answer, a deeper knowledge, and deeper faith.

Do I want next semester to go exactly like this one did? No. I am ready for something new, more exciting, and less frustrating. Will I get what I want? Probably not, but I know one thing for sure- I will get what I need:

Philippians 4:19, "But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Matthew 6:30-32, "Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things."
Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."

Thankful that this semester is nearly behind me. Looking forward to the month off of classes I get to enjoy before summer classes start. Praying that I will be growing closer to my Savior, to my family, and to fulfilling my purpose.

Psalms 46:1-3, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof . . ."

Though being at jcp 5-past midnight three days this week and one 6-2AM shift on Saturday may tempt me to become a complaining, dim-lighted example, I will try to remember and cling to verses 10-11:

"Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge."

Because my life is not about living to please me. Not about what I want, what I prefer, what I desire, what I would choose. My name is not "MYself", it is "HIS beloved". I am not my own, as I must constantly remind myself. I have been bought with the price of my Savior's innocent blood. 1Corinthians 6:20 states: "For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's." And chapter 7:23 says: "Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men" or self, I think you could translate.

Easy to say, tough to live out. Impossible, if I try to do it on my own; but thanks be to God, Who, through the self-less sacrifice of Jesus Christ, proclaims in Matthew 19:26 "With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."

I'm off to spend some much needed time in prayer; this week will be challenging in many ways, but most of all in the area of attitude. May it reflect the humble spirit of Christ and not this sinner.

 Philippians 2:3-8; "Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men; And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross."