A Time for Change

It can be exciting, delightful, fun, and refreshing.
It can be difficult, painful, heart-breaking, and depressing.
But you can't resist it forever. Eventually, you accept it and move on, creating a new routine, a new perspective, a new normal. Rarely is it easy; often is it for our own good.

This week marks a lengthy list of changes in my life. Some joyous or unexpected; these I gratefully receive and enjoy working into my life. Others are tough and tiring; these I have withstood and have only grown to accept them out of necessity. But there is a reason for everything and when I pause my pity-party to consider the positive, I can truly be thankful for all the changes happening in my life: the easy and the hard, the pleasant and the taxing, the ones I like and the ones I dislike.

A year ago, I would have let such changes drive me to the state of an emotional roller-coaster. With my intense and unrestrained desire for control, the difficult changes occurring in my life would have whisked me to a mild state of despair, while the unexpected changes would have moved me to a desperation to rule my own future. I know this because I experienced it. My foolish heart believed that I did have control of my life and if something went wrong, I was then responsible for the outcome, thus dooming myself to be a failure. Past posts on the blog tell the tale of my crash, burn, and cries to my Savior to pick up the pieces of the mess I made. My failure brought me to beg forgiveness for forgetting that this life is not my own; with the price of His pure blood, Christ bought me to glorify the Father (I Corinthians 6:19-20). In seeking my own control, I sought to place the creature above the Creator (Romans 1:25); to put myself on the throne of my heart. But Jeremiah 17:9 tells me clearly, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

I am thankful that my Savior lovingly led me through the hard lesson taught many times over; God is in control, I am not. All of my careful planning, my devised steps, if made without submission to what my Lord wills, is all for naught, because I can do nothing on my own: "And which of you with taking thought can add to his stature one cubit?" (Luke 12:25). Proverbs 16:9 states: "A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps." However, God doesn't leave me on my own. As the perfect Father, He lovingly provides all my needs, directs my way, and guides my heart if I but submit to His will for me (Luke 12:31). Knowing that my life is not my own, but enslaved to Christ, I should take joy in bearing the easy burden my King gives me (Matthew 11:30).

I may not be able to control the changes that occur in my life, but I can control my reaction to them. May I prayerfully come to the Father with thanksgiving for the changes He is working in my life. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

New Year's Eve Remembrance

There is only an hour left in this year of 2012. I thought it would do my heart good to take a trip down memory lane and relive my life's important moments from the last year.

It is hard for my brain to comprehend how much my job at jcp changed since this last February. I would have never imagined how much of life would be lived in this retail store, how many of my friendships would flourish in my job, or how much my job would come to affect my life. Though I may complain about it now and then, I am truly grateful that God had this as part of His plan for me this year. Work has truly grown me in many ways.

After reading through this year's blog posts I was also amazed at the incredible nature of my God. So many, many times this year I failed and flopped, messed up and migrated away from Him. Yet in each circumstance He taught me a lesson and welcomed me back with the open, forgiving arms of a loving Father. I feel so much more focused and mindful, more aware of the nature of my God now than I did at the beginning of the year. I see how many times I have failed and have since grown a much better understanding of my own sinful human nature. I trust myself less in ways for the better. I know- even if I am sometimes stubborn to confess it- that God deserves and demands all of my trust, as He is my Maker, Creator, Master and King.

I can look back through the past 12 months and thank God for the opportunity to build friendships that challenge me to pursue Christ, that encourage me to seek and love Him more. I am so grateful for the people who have invested their lives in me and for the chance I have had to invest my own life into other people.

Thinking back over the year it is easy to say how difficult it was with working full time hours and maintaining straight "A's" in eleven college classes. But I would be a fool to simply ignore the innumerable blessings that my King somehow saw fit to bless me with. I bow before Him in wonder of His mercy and love to me a sinner. Not only that, but to ignore the crazy fun times I had this year would be remiss.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love my job. I love my life. I am so blessed to have such a marvelous God who I am constantly growing in love for, since He first chose to love me. My life is complete and this year was completely in His capable control.

Hallelujah, King Jesus reigns!

~His Beloved

For Further Notice

It is another one of those nights where I find myself sitting on the floor in front of my closet crying. Overwhelmed at the amount of work due this week. Stressed that my timing will fail and so will my assignments. Feeling like a failure in my actions and disappointed in my responses.
These nights are occurring more frequently than they should.

As always, I eventually end up crying out to my Maker, knowing that He is the only One who could possible understand my befuddled heart and my confused complaints. But more importantly, the only One who has a solution to my situation.

He brings to my mind His promises in Scripture. Soothes my heart with songs of praise called to remembrance. Fills my emptiness with hope and blessings, reminding me of Who He is. Mark Schultz's songs "Lord, You Are", "He Is", and "I Am" all come to my mind. Descriptions of my mighty Savior wipe out my foolish fear.

The ending to these nights is always the same. I realize that I am tired and everything seems blown out of proportion when I reach that state. I realize that my God is big, even though I feel small. That He is able and willing to deliver me. That He "delighteth in me", as Psalm 18 says. That if the King of kings is for me, who can stand against?

I often go back and read through past blog posts. So, for future reference, Self, take note and take heart. God remains the same. Forever faithful and forgiving. He always comes through.
Save the tears and the pity-party and remember these things.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving.

As this is my third year in the retail world, it is often too easy for me to think of Thanksgiving as my last day of rest before Black Friday. To regret that before the country's set aside day of thanks is even over, consumerism and materialism grips the population with a crazy stronghold. It is too easy for me to turn Thanksgiving into a day that focuses on ME- since the following day is filled with mania. 

This is a foolish view and focus, of course. And so, to prepare my heart and mind for the crazy, complaint-ridden morrow, I will meditate on what I have been blessed with.

A great God. This subject can not be elaborated on enough. No set of words in the English language can fully express all the ways that my King fulfills and satisfies this longing heart. Of all the ways he rescued this hopeless, desperate, sinful heart. Of all the ways He showed and manifested His marvelous love. I am thankful for my Savior, Lord, King, Redeemer, Sacrifice, Maker, and God. 

My family. We may be a crazy, imperfect, and difficult bunch, but I have comfort and security within our home. Though we may bicker, God has brought us close. We get each other- even when our quirkiness is too crazy for any outsider to understand :). We laugh at the little things and hug through the hard. I am thankful for my family.

Friendships. I have been blessed with godly mentors whose friendships guide me closer in my walk with God. I am blessed to have some close friends who share the same history as I do, understand where I am coming from, and encourage me to the same end they pursue- a life that glorifies the King of kings. I have been curiously blessed with crossing paths with people who seem to be opposite of myself, yet similar in many ways. Though these friendships may have a deeper mission-focus, they have taught me and blessed me more than I would have guessed! I have also been blessed with the budding of new friendships, praising God for the opening of these doors of encouragement and blessing. With the focus of Christ at the core, I am excited to see how God leads and grows these friendships. 

Work. I would have never guessed how big of a part jcpenney would play in my life when I applied over three years ago. I have been blessed to have a job I love, one that I have been able to move up through the ranks. And the friendships I have gained, the encouragement of meeting and working with other Christians, the fun times that I have had- I would have never imagined the joy I would have received in working retail! When I remember the servant-based description of my job, I am reminded of the servant attitude of my Savior- and the one I should be cultivating myself. I am thankful for my job an the people it contains!

Of course, my list could continue indefinitely. But it is late, and my 5AM shift starts soon. But I am going to bed with a thankful heart and a glorious reminder of all my God has done for me! 

Happy Thanksgiving!

October~ First Breath of Fall

October 1st. The beginning of fall. 

This year has just gone by too fast.

Fall is my favorite season- and why not?

Here are a few of my favorite things; sweatshirts, scarves, jeans, layers, hot cocoa, heavy blankets, clear crisp air, Bon fires, s'mores, corn mazes, costume parties, pumpkin scents, falling leaves, changing colors. Fall also comes with the halfway mark of this college sophomore semester- which is ridiculously crazy. 

Lately I have thought back to where I was at this time last year. Though I feel as if I have made no progress with my life this last year, I know it isn't true. A year of college classes is behind me, a new position title and another year of work experience is under my belt, and I am more aware of the depths of my own sinful depravity. The grace of my God- though I'll never understand it- has been appreciated in new levels, and the enduring love of my Savior has crossed all barriers I may have put up. I don't know why He pursues my loathsome heart, but am forever grateful for His saving power and seeking love. 

 

Although I know of these things, it is a constant battle to remember His promises and His claim on my life. I am not my own: "What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's"-1 Corinthians 6:19-20.

What a marvelous Lord I serve. He loves me when I go my own way. Loves me enough to guide my heart back to Him. Enough to remove the barriers I set up to protect myself, knowing that His protection far exceeds what I could attempt. 

Blessed beyond measure. 

 

What a amazing way to contemplate the beginning of this favored season!

Roller Coaster Ride

Ecstatically high                             /           Depressingly low
Enthusiastic                                   /            Lethargic
Jumping-up-and-down-happy       /            Crying on my mom's shoulder
Relaxing on my only day "off"       /           Pounding out hours of schoolwork
Thanking and praising my Savior  /           Begging for the reason "why"
Thinking that things can't be better /          Feeling that things couldn't get worse


Yep, I am definitely enjoying this college life. Lord, give me wisdom in my life and walk with You. And a little emotional balance would be nice.
Your daughter,
AnW