The Savior's Solace in Summer Stress

The start of another semester awaits me tomorrow. As I looked over my course syllabus for each class today, the usual worry creeped into my mind. The fear that I can't do all that I must to fulfill the requirements for my classes. The fear that the work of two summer classes, a full time work load, leading a girls Bible study, and being involved in the college class will become too overwhelming. The stress of balancing my schedule always burdens me on the first day of my semester.

But this time, the stress didn't send me into a state of despair. Though I may have uttered a sigh of "I can't do this", my heart didn't dwell on the thought. And I know the reason why.

This time, my heart and spirit had deeper roots in my Foundation. My King has revealed Himself to me in so many ways the last few months, that I've grown to seek comfort in His promises sooner rather than later. When life presents me with struggles and challenges greater than I can bear, I know and believe that my Creator holds my life and everything around me; to Him I run. I have no reason to wrestle with problems in my own weakness when my God has already conquered it. "My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever" Psalms 73:26.

Will this summer be easy? No. Will I become more reliant on my Savior in the stress and craziness of my work? I pray so. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me (Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5). He promises that I can do all things; not on my own, but through Him, by His power (Philippians 4:13). I know I can't do all this on my own. I'm trusting His leading in my life and claiming His promise in Proverbs 3:5-6; "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

At the end of last summer, I wrote a blog post lamenting my lack of growth and mis-focus. But this summer will be different. God has humbled and molded this heart to desire something more than temporary pleasures. I want to bring my King glory; to be a good visual representation of my Lord and Redeemer. I don't know why He has allowed this broken vessel to serve Him, but I'm so grateful for the opportunities He has provided me to honor Him with.

So, tomorrow I will start the day with this thought; Hallelujah, King Jesus reigns. My sin, my weakness, my pain, my failure, my unbelief; He is greater, stronger, mightier than it all. My Conqueror and King, Comforter and Peace, Love and Life-Source, my Everything is near me. What should I fear?

New Year's Eve Remembrance

There is only an hour left in this year of 2012. I thought it would do my heart good to take a trip down memory lane and relive my life's important moments from the last year.

It is hard for my brain to comprehend how much my job at jcp changed since this last February. I would have never imagined how much of life would be lived in this retail store, how many of my friendships would flourish in my job, or how much my job would come to affect my life. Though I may complain about it now and then, I am truly grateful that God had this as part of His plan for me this year. Work has truly grown me in many ways.

After reading through this year's blog posts I was also amazed at the incredible nature of my God. So many, many times this year I failed and flopped, messed up and migrated away from Him. Yet in each circumstance He taught me a lesson and welcomed me back with the open, forgiving arms of a loving Father. I feel so much more focused and mindful, more aware of the nature of my God now than I did at the beginning of the year. I see how many times I have failed and have since grown a much better understanding of my own sinful human nature. I trust myself less in ways for the better. I know- even if I am sometimes stubborn to confess it- that God deserves and demands all of my trust, as He is my Maker, Creator, Master and King.

I can look back through the past 12 months and thank God for the opportunity to build friendships that challenge me to pursue Christ, that encourage me to seek and love Him more. I am so grateful for the people who have invested their lives in me and for the chance I have had to invest my own life into other people.

Thinking back over the year it is easy to say how difficult it was with working full time hours and maintaining straight "A's" in eleven college classes. But I would be a fool to simply ignore the innumerable blessings that my King somehow saw fit to bless me with. I bow before Him in wonder of His mercy and love to me a sinner. Not only that, but to ignore the crazy fun times I had this year would be remiss.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love my job. I love my life. I am so blessed to have such a marvelous God who I am constantly growing in love for, since He first chose to love me. My life is complete and this year was completely in His capable control.

Hallelujah, King Jesus reigns!

~His Beloved

From Confusion to Celebration- all in one post!

I am confused.
Surprised? I think not. Here are a few reasons why:

•Finals begin this week- a big enough stress factor in itself, considering I haven't yet commenced studying for everything yet.
•Work has become surprisingly unfulfilling and disappointing. Not that I am necessarily sad about this- but more elaboration on this topic at a later date.
•Volunteering- both at the Community Center and in the four year old Sunday school class- has been rewarding, if not without some sacrifice. It has been an encouragement to see how much of a blessing I receive when I have the attitude desiring to be a blessing to others.
•I am coming to the realization of how important friendships are in my life; as well as how much this area has been forgotten and ignored during this last year.

"What is there to be confused about?" you may ask. Let me tell you a little secret: combining any of the two above topics results in some level of stress and confusion for this poor college student. Working full time, taking a full-time load of college classes, taking time out to volunteer, and keeping a few hours open to dedicate to growing friendships closer to Christ has resulted in a roller-coaster ride of emotions this last week.

But God is on His throne, His perfect plan is being put in place, and His Word serves as a comfort to my heart. I over think too much, worry too often, and fear the foolish things too regularly. But my life is a work in progress, being carefully crafted by my Creator, being molded into His image and likeness.

I am so utterly grateful that I am not left to struggle through this life on my own, hopeless, depressed, and lost. This spurs me both take comfort in the refuge of my Savior and to be challenged to share this love and peace with unbelievers.

Christmas is such an amazing time for the celebration and exultation of the coming of our Light of the world. Christmas is such a perfect opportunity to share such celebrations of hope and peace with those who have yet to come to the knowledge of His majesty.

Hallelujah. King Jesus reigns.

For Further Notice

It is another one of those nights where I find myself sitting on the floor in front of my closet crying. Overwhelmed at the amount of work due this week. Stressed that my timing will fail and so will my assignments. Feeling like a failure in my actions and disappointed in my responses.
These nights are occurring more frequently than they should.

As always, I eventually end up crying out to my Maker, knowing that He is the only One who could possible understand my befuddled heart and my confused complaints. But more importantly, the only One who has a solution to my situation.

He brings to my mind His promises in Scripture. Soothes my heart with songs of praise called to remembrance. Fills my emptiness with hope and blessings, reminding me of Who He is. Mark Schultz's songs "Lord, You Are", "He Is", and "I Am" all come to my mind. Descriptions of my mighty Savior wipe out my foolish fear.

The ending to these nights is always the same. I realize that I am tired and everything seems blown out of proportion when I reach that state. I realize that my God is big, even though I feel small. That He is able and willing to deliver me. That He "delighteth in me", as Psalm 18 says. That if the King of kings is for me, who can stand against?

I often go back and read through past blog posts. So, for future reference, Self, take note and take heart. God remains the same. Forever faithful and forgiving. He always comes through.
Save the tears and the pity-party and remember these things.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving.

As this is my third year in the retail world, it is often too easy for me to think of Thanksgiving as my last day of rest before Black Friday. To regret that before the country's set aside day of thanks is even over, consumerism and materialism grips the population with a crazy stronghold. It is too easy for me to turn Thanksgiving into a day that focuses on ME- since the following day is filled with mania. 

This is a foolish view and focus, of course. And so, to prepare my heart and mind for the crazy, complaint-ridden morrow, I will meditate on what I have been blessed with.

A great God. This subject can not be elaborated on enough. No set of words in the English language can fully express all the ways that my King fulfills and satisfies this longing heart. Of all the ways he rescued this hopeless, desperate, sinful heart. Of all the ways He showed and manifested His marvelous love. I am thankful for my Savior, Lord, King, Redeemer, Sacrifice, Maker, and God. 

My family. We may be a crazy, imperfect, and difficult bunch, but I have comfort and security within our home. Though we may bicker, God has brought us close. We get each other- even when our quirkiness is too crazy for any outsider to understand :). We laugh at the little things and hug through the hard. I am thankful for my family.

Friendships. I have been blessed with godly mentors whose friendships guide me closer in my walk with God. I am blessed to have some close friends who share the same history as I do, understand where I am coming from, and encourage me to the same end they pursue- a life that glorifies the King of kings. I have been curiously blessed with crossing paths with people who seem to be opposite of myself, yet similar in many ways. Though these friendships may have a deeper mission-focus, they have taught me and blessed me more than I would have guessed! I have also been blessed with the budding of new friendships, praising God for the opening of these doors of encouragement and blessing. With the focus of Christ at the core, I am excited to see how God leads and grows these friendships. 

Work. I would have never guessed how big of a part jcpenney would play in my life when I applied over three years ago. I have been blessed to have a job I love, one that I have been able to move up through the ranks. And the friendships I have gained, the encouragement of meeting and working with other Christians, the fun times that I have had- I would have never imagined the joy I would have received in working retail! When I remember the servant-based description of my job, I am reminded of the servant attitude of my Savior- and the one I should be cultivating myself. I am thankful for my job an the people it contains!

Of course, my list could continue indefinitely. But it is late, and my 5AM shift starts soon. But I am going to bed with a thankful heart and a glorious reminder of all my God has done for me! 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Timing is Everything- and It's Out of My Control!!

I find it interesting that when we are little, we create expectations and hopes of what our life will be like in the far, far, FAR away future. For instance, as far back as I can remember, I have pictured myself graduated, married, and mother of two children at the age of 23. Today- alas, that "far, far away future" was not as far off as I had imagined!- as the year in which I turned 19 quickly passes me by I find myself shaking my head at these lofty expectations. Yes, I will likely graduate by that dream age, but married AND two children!! Highly unlikely, considering my not-as-content-as-I-should-be-with-being-single status.

Yet, there is still a part of me that yearns to meet my childhood expectations. Part of me that thinks I would be oh-so-content in this "perfect" pictured age. Part of me that seeks to strive for this status, that becomes discontent at the consideration that it may be slightly foolish.

My discontentment with my current state of life has only increased this past summer. I have wished that I was farther along in my college status, that I was exercising independence by living out on my own, that I had a special someone to text, talk to, and spend my time with. I have wished that I worked fewer hours so that I could increase my credit hours, then wished that I didn't have classes so that I could work more. I have had passing thoughts of panic that I will never be who I wished I would be, that I will never reach the status I seek, that I will forever be "stuck" in my current rut.

Of course- and unfortunately- this line of thinking and worrying stems from a selfish, self-focused heart. I spend so much time thinking about and trying to rush to the next phase of my life that I am missing out on the life lessons, experiences, and special moments in this phase. I am too busy trying to further my own kingdom and myself that I forsake HIS kingdom and my servanthood.

The debt to Him I owe. The life to Him I have pledged. The kingdom of His that I have signed up to fight for. The love of His I have promised to share. The old self I have committed to put off. The new life and Love I have cloaked myself with.

I have forgotten Him as my King, and placed myself on the throne. And it hasn't gotten me anything but heartache and frustration.

Is it bad to have dreams? Aspirations? (Reasonable) goals? No! However, once I placed my focus on reaching these things, I lost my concern and care for the things of the eternal. I rejected the idea- perhaps unknownly- that God is in control, and works all things together in HIS time. He knows best- for He knows all things; I, do not.

Learning (perhaps re-learning) this lesson has been difficult, but necessary. I will have to be reminded of this lesson again, for this world does a good job of distracting me from my Savior and eternity. In the meantime, though, it has once again brought to my attention the necesity of living where I am, with a focus not on next year (or the golden age of 23), but rather a thousand years from now. Time to start learning the lessons, enjoying the special moments and experiences of today, and place all other worries in my God's capable hands. It's worth the wait for His plan to come about, rather than stressing myself on that planning part. As the following song from 33 Miles says, "God has perfect timing, never early, never late. It takes a little patience and it takes a lot of faith, but it's worth the wait!"

Psalms 46:1-3, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof . . ."

Though being at jcp 5-past midnight three days this week and one 6-2AM shift on Saturday may tempt me to become a complaining, dim-lighted example, I will try to remember and cling to verses 10-11:

"Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge."

Because my life is not about living to please me. Not about what I want, what I prefer, what I desire, what I would choose. My name is not "MYself", it is "HIS beloved". I am not my own, as I must constantly remind myself. I have been bought with the price of my Savior's innocent blood. 1Corinthians 6:20 states: "For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's." And chapter 7:23 says: "Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men" or self, I think you could translate.

Easy to say, tough to live out. Impossible, if I try to do it on my own; but thanks be to God, Who, through the self-less sacrifice of Jesus Christ, proclaims in Matthew 19:26 "With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."

I'm off to spend some much needed time in prayer; this week will be challenging in many ways, but most of all in the area of attitude. May it reflect the humble spirit of Christ and not this sinner.

 Philippians 2:3-8; "Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men; And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross."
 

Changes- For Better and for Worse

No, I am not saying wedding vows this week. THAT would be pretty crazy, considering I am bf free. But every other aspect of my life seems to be changing right now. Here are a few of my complaints  thoughts   complaints (I should just say it like it is).

- several 4-midnight shifts at work made for a long, stressful, tiring week
- situations at work causing me to inflate the desire to quit
- not being able to quit, or even bounce that idea around in reality's brain
- deciding what to do in the near future- school for the rest of the year (which relates back to #2-3)
- what college do I need to think about transferring to next fall?
- Do I consider pursuing my own antique store? to start working in a similar vocation?
- after finally really and truly turning from my sinful heart last week after Bible study, what should I be doing now to grow closer to Christ?
- How can I reach out more to others as a result of #7?
- etc. <- haha

Needless to say (yet, I say it anyway!), this has been one crazy, hectic, crazy, frustrating, long, tiring, crazy, week. But~ this week is bound to become easier, more godly, and one step closer to SPRING BREAK!!!!!!

*I will try to post more frequently. I haven't the slightest idea why it has been so long since my last post! ;)

Further away...

I seem to be lost in a section of my own mind.
Time goes through crazy periods of flying by and dragging on.
My 40 hour work weeks with 12 credit hours worth of homework- combined with 3-midnight shifts- have me feeling like I am losing the "grip" I had on my life.
I don't feel as needed or at the top of my game at work like I did before this position change.
I discovered that I had been placing my identity in my job and work life and not in my Savior- ouch.
I missed the first few Bible studies (one of the best parts of last semester) because of this crazy job- yet I complain about not getting enough hours or go in on my days off.
I have not been feeling satisfied with any aspect of my life: spiritual side has taken a step back (need to read and pray more), work has gone out of control, friendships have become dusty, and family has become more strained than it should.
When will this end?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!




Oh. As soon as I surrender. Hmph- that is a lot harder than it used to be. I think I have become pleased with the feeling of self accomplishment and fufillment, and have chosen to forget the ultimate satisfaction Christ alone can give. I have come to the point where my accomplishments have fallen flat and my "fufillment" has left me empty. But I still can't seem to get back to where I was, let alone move forward.

If you are reading this and you know me, I'd appreciate the prayer. I may not confess this by word of mouth, but I need help desperately. But only God can do that helping, and only I can accept it. I don't need a lecture, a how-to, or a stern command from man: I need to work this out between myself and my Savior. However, I do ask for prayer.
Thank you. And thank You Savior for not giving up on me yet or ever. I am seeking my way back to You- thank You for Your love and patience.

Update- the blog and my life :)

Every once in a while- a long while, that is- I desire some change. Good change though, preferably the kind I can control (human and perfectionist nature combined with a large dose of control freakism). Thus the new look on the blog (until I make the time to mold it into the "perfect" look).
But that is not the only change in my little life lately. Oh, no. I also have rearranged my class schedule to accommodate more hours at work. Ya see, I was offered a different position at jcp this past week- considering the lead position I currently hold will soon be dissolved. <- sadface. But I am excited about this new step forward in my life, cautioned to take it with much prayer and consideration.
In the process of dropping a class (leaving me with 12 credit hours, not 15), I discovered that my goal of obtaining my Associate degree is not that far from my grasp. My tentative future plan is as follows: take a science class this summer (it will be fast paced and hardcore, so most likely the only one I take), then take 5 classes this fall (fewer credit hours because of the increase of holiday hours at the job). That only leaves 6 classes for the 2013 spring semester- then I graduate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D

This is somewhat short lived happiness however. Because then I must decide my future steps. Kinda relying on God to show me what those will be when the time comes. Preferably as soon as possible, considering the natures I exhibit discussed above. Learning from this summer though, I doubt I will know until the middle of summer, 2013. *sigh*.
I have been contemplating many topics and rabbit trails in my mind lately. Not brave enough to post to the blogger world just yet, however. Stay tuned and you may find out (then again, I start classes back up next Monday combined with 38ish hours at work. I suppose you will learn a little bit about patience, ;).

I close with the acknowledgement that I need to post some pictures. I received some amazing gifts for Christmas from the wonderful/thoughtful/seemingly-all-knowing-momma that I can't wait to share!
Oh! And I have a new Bible reading strategy for this year. I should share it in a post soon. Maybe.

God bless and keep you. May He lead each of us to Him through whatever He wish; and may we follow willingly, understanding (or at least believing) that true joy is only discovered and bestowed through our King of kings.

Workin', Workin', Workin'

The past two weeks I worked more than 50 hours.
Today is my third day off in three weeks.
I feel as if I am living at jcpennys.
And it is only gonna get worse.
Gotta love back to school season :)

I have learned many lessons through my job~ even more so in the last few months. Trying to lead a team of various ages and personality traits can be difficult. So is trying to find the balance of letting things slide and being protective of the team when other departments tend to misuse and abuse our team's job. But learning these people skills, leadership skills, strategizing and problem solving skills will benefit me the rest of my life. And, I am actually having a blast while doing it.

God is good great amazing. I love my job and the people I work with. And to think that I didn't even really want to work there 2 years ago. His plan is definitely way better than mine!

State Fair and Third Day/ Mercyme concert tonight! :D