Saturday Night Struggles

Being the perfectionist and time manager that I am, I always decide the evening before what outfit I will wear the next day- complete with jewelry and shoes. Saturday night is no different, though I often spend more time deciding what to wear for the following Sunday morning than any other evening.

As I tried on outfit after outfit the past Saturday night, complaining about my body in one look, my lack of options in another, nitpicking the details of one navy sweater versus the other, I finally sighed with discontent and frustration and went with my fifth choice. "No one is even going to notice, anyway", I grumbled, "why do I even care what I'm wearing? Who am I trying to impress?" The last question halted further action. I knew the answer and didn't like it.

The "in-crowd". The popular kids. The group I never feel like I will be a part of. The circle of girls I see every week, but never get to talk to. The ones with whom my poor attempts at friendly conversation end in awkward silence. These women are always dressed fashionably, always put together, always have an air of confidence about them. My painful deliberation of what outfit to wear every Sunday stems from a desire to fit into this group.

I, in my prideful state of sinful flesh, had thought that I was past all my complaints of not "fitting in". I have written several posts about the topic (here and here), coming to the rightful conclusion that wanting to "fit in" shows an incorrect focus on my part. That, for one, I am just a stranger passing through to my final destination, to my true place of belonging. This world should never feel right. And two, my focus should not be how I am being served (feeling recognized and accepted by those around me) but rather how I can serve Christ by loving those around me in a way that glorifies Him.

"But Savior", I cry, "I never feel like I belong! I pour into certain individuals- sacrificing my time and comfort- and never get the favor, or even a simple "Hi, how are you?" in return for my service from the people who seem to be in the "in-crowd". What is wrong with me that I don't see? Why won't You let me feel accepted? Must I always feel like an outcast?"

I feel bad for ranting to Christ. I consider His life on earth with the realization that He never was accepted by those around Him. Talk about feeling like an outcast. The King of glory came down to save His wretched people and "his own received him not" (John 1:5?). His brothers shunned Him, His country didn't believe Him, the "in crowd" of religious leaders, where He should have been accepted joyfully, rejected Him to the point of plotting His murder. So then, where did Christ spend His time? The Creator of the universe devoted His life to time spent with the socially unacceptable, the unclean, the broken, the forgotten, the despised and rejected.

As I continued down this trail of thinking, I wondered; how did Christ constantly pour into those around Him with the right attitude? I read the gospels and see His patient, comforting, overly abundant love for His disciples; men that He spent three years of His life with, teaching and leading them, praying for them, loving and living with them. An these men were not who I- or anyone- would consider easy to love! I read the same accounts of Christ's love and see how stubborn, selfish, and stupid these men appear; they are blind to what Christ has done for them, they don't believe His words, they flee and disappear in Christ's darkest moment. But Christ, even with knowing all these things, even seeing the depths of their depraved hearts, chose to love them. Not just love them- He loved them with the same measure of love the Father bestowed to Christ!! After all these men did to Christ, He still died for them. After all those who claimed Him to be unacceptable, those who made Him their enemy, those who didn't think He was good enough, those who plotted His death; He chose to love them too, to the point of dying for their wickedness to give them the gift of eternal life and salvation.

That is the example of love I have to follow.

But what do I often do? To protect my pride, to keep myself from feeling hurt, I build a wall around myself. I have chosen to look down on that "in crowd", to see myself as better than them because of this or that. I don't display the example of love my Savior provides; rather, I do what my heart tells me will protect me from further hurt or risk of feeling left out. Of course, my heart tells me wrong because it is desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9).

I am trying to keep Christ as my heart's all consuming focus. Praying that He would take my dark and loathsome spots of sin and wash them white as snow. Change my selfish heart of flesh and renew it with one passionate for Him, one that overflows with His love for me in a serving love and care for those around me. Jesus, please work in my life. I'm lost without you and the state of my heart makes me hang my head in shame. "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10).

This Life. This Lord.

Life without Christ must be miserable. When I try to think, act, live on my own apart from the counsel and comfort of my Savior, I fall. Hard. I wonder why I even try, why I balance such a crazy schedule for no apparent reason, why I don't just say heck with it all and drop school or work. I get overwhelmed. I cry. I worry extensively and spiral into discontented anger.

But praise the Lord I don't live this life on my own! I can crawl on my knees to the throne of grace; I can raise my tear-stained face to my Creator; I can lift my shattered heart to the Lover of my soul. 

He listens to my cries. He upholds me with right hand. His tender love overwhelms my soul, covering the fears of my weak heart with powerful waves. He is the Good Shepherd, guiding and caring for this wayward sheep. His cords of love bind my heart to Him, if I surrender. He offers protection from the winds and storms of this life- He is my Fortress and high Tower. He offers strength to my weary bones- He is my Rock. He satisfies my dying thirst- He is the Living Water. He fills my hunger for something more- He is the Bread of Life. He ends my longing search for love that lasts- He is Love, and that Everlasting, from beginning to the end. He answers my need for meaning- He created me for His pleasure. 

Lord, draw me to Your side. Your child is hurting and confused, begging Your presence and wisdom. Open my eyes to the reality of these truths; make them pillars in my heart. Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah.  

Timing is Everything- and It's Out of My Control!!

I find it interesting that when we are little, we create expectations and hopes of what our life will be like in the far, far, FAR away future. For instance, as far back as I can remember, I have pictured myself graduated, married, and mother of two children at the age of 23. Today- alas, that "far, far away future" was not as far off as I had imagined!- as the year in which I turned 19 quickly passes me by I find myself shaking my head at these lofty expectations. Yes, I will likely graduate by that dream age, but married AND two children!! Highly unlikely, considering my not-as-content-as-I-should-be-with-being-single status.

Yet, there is still a part of me that yearns to meet my childhood expectations. Part of me that thinks I would be oh-so-content in this "perfect" pictured age. Part of me that seeks to strive for this status, that becomes discontent at the consideration that it may be slightly foolish.

My discontentment with my current state of life has only increased this past summer. I have wished that I was farther along in my college status, that I was exercising independence by living out on my own, that I had a special someone to text, talk to, and spend my time with. I have wished that I worked fewer hours so that I could increase my credit hours, then wished that I didn't have classes so that I could work more. I have had passing thoughts of panic that I will never be who I wished I would be, that I will never reach the status I seek, that I will forever be "stuck" in my current rut.

Of course- and unfortunately- this line of thinking and worrying stems from a selfish, self-focused heart. I spend so much time thinking about and trying to rush to the next phase of my life that I am missing out on the life lessons, experiences, and special moments in this phase. I am too busy trying to further my own kingdom and myself that I forsake HIS kingdom and my servanthood.

The debt to Him I owe. The life to Him I have pledged. The kingdom of His that I have signed up to fight for. The love of His I have promised to share. The old self I have committed to put off. The new life and Love I have cloaked myself with.

I have forgotten Him as my King, and placed myself on the throne. And it hasn't gotten me anything but heartache and frustration.

Is it bad to have dreams? Aspirations? (Reasonable) goals? No! However, once I placed my focus on reaching these things, I lost my concern and care for the things of the eternal. I rejected the idea- perhaps unknownly- that God is in control, and works all things together in HIS time. He knows best- for He knows all things; I, do not.

Learning (perhaps re-learning) this lesson has been difficult, but necessary. I will have to be reminded of this lesson again, for this world does a good job of distracting me from my Savior and eternity. In the meantime, though, it has once again brought to my attention the necesity of living where I am, with a focus not on next year (or the golden age of 23), but rather a thousand years from now. Time to start learning the lessons, enjoying the special moments and experiences of today, and place all other worries in my God's capable hands. It's worth the wait for His plan to come about, rather than stressing myself on that planning part. As the following song from 33 Miles says, "God has perfect timing, never early, never late. It takes a little patience and it takes a lot of faith, but it's worth the wait!"

Christmas Decorations~ in Home and Heart

A few weeks ago I decorated my place for Christmas. Without buying a single new item, I redid every flat surface in Christmas cheeriness~ which wasn't that hard, considering the extensive collection I have already amassed XD. Here are some Instagramed Pictures of my labor:

But, preparing my room for Christmas was not the only thing that needed prepared. The last few weeks have been a crazy roller coaster ride for my heart and mind. This week I was able to spend extra time searching the Scriptures and praying for wisdom and direction. With my working in retail (and being responsible for a team of not-so-motivated group of people. . .), I can already catch myself focusing on just the retail side of the season. I so easily forget the true reason of Christmas: God so loved the world that He sent His only Son to be the propitiation for my sin, that I may confess my sins and be counted righteous through Christ's covering of me (John 3:16, 1 John 4:10, Romans 3:25, 1 John 1:9, 1 Peter 2:24). Christ came with the purpose of living to die, counting the cross as joy, knowing that only through the shedding of His perfect blood would I ever be able to draw near to Him (Hebrews 12:2, Romans 5:9, Ephesians 2:13, Colossians 1:14). May I seek to honor Him in all I do and say this season and always: "For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's" (1Corinthians 6:20), "Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men." (1 Corinthians 7:23).

Merry {early} Christmas!!