Saturday Night Struggles

Being the perfectionist and time manager that I am, I always decide the evening before what outfit I will wear the next day- complete with jewelry and shoes. Saturday night is no different, though I often spend more time deciding what to wear for the following Sunday morning than any other evening.

As I tried on outfit after outfit the past Saturday night, complaining about my body in one look, my lack of options in another, nitpicking the details of one navy sweater versus the other, I finally sighed with discontent and frustration and went with my fifth choice. "No one is even going to notice, anyway", I grumbled, "why do I even care what I'm wearing? Who am I trying to impress?" The last question halted further action. I knew the answer and didn't like it.

The "in-crowd". The popular kids. The group I never feel like I will be a part of. The circle of girls I see every week, but never get to talk to. The ones with whom my poor attempts at friendly conversation end in awkward silence. These women are always dressed fashionably, always put together, always have an air of confidence about them. My painful deliberation of what outfit to wear every Sunday stems from a desire to fit into this group.

I, in my prideful state of sinful flesh, had thought that I was past all my complaints of not "fitting in". I have written several posts about the topic (here and here), coming to the rightful conclusion that wanting to "fit in" shows an incorrect focus on my part. That, for one, I am just a stranger passing through to my final destination, to my true place of belonging. This world should never feel right. And two, my focus should not be how I am being served (feeling recognized and accepted by those around me) but rather how I can serve Christ by loving those around me in a way that glorifies Him.

"But Savior", I cry, "I never feel like I belong! I pour into certain individuals- sacrificing my time and comfort- and never get the favor, or even a simple "Hi, how are you?" in return for my service from the people who seem to be in the "in-crowd". What is wrong with me that I don't see? Why won't You let me feel accepted? Must I always feel like an outcast?"

I feel bad for ranting to Christ. I consider His life on earth with the realization that He never was accepted by those around Him. Talk about feeling like an outcast. The King of glory came down to save His wretched people and "his own received him not" (John 1:5?). His brothers shunned Him, His country didn't believe Him, the "in crowd" of religious leaders, where He should have been accepted joyfully, rejected Him to the point of plotting His murder. So then, where did Christ spend His time? The Creator of the universe devoted His life to time spent with the socially unacceptable, the unclean, the broken, the forgotten, the despised and rejected.

As I continued down this trail of thinking, I wondered; how did Christ constantly pour into those around Him with the right attitude? I read the gospels and see His patient, comforting, overly abundant love for His disciples; men that He spent three years of His life with, teaching and leading them, praying for them, loving and living with them. An these men were not who I- or anyone- would consider easy to love! I read the same accounts of Christ's love and see how stubborn, selfish, and stupid these men appear; they are blind to what Christ has done for them, they don't believe His words, they flee and disappear in Christ's darkest moment. But Christ, even with knowing all these things, even seeing the depths of their depraved hearts, chose to love them. Not just love them- He loved them with the same measure of love the Father bestowed to Christ!! After all these men did to Christ, He still died for them. After all those who claimed Him to be unacceptable, those who made Him their enemy, those who didn't think He was good enough, those who plotted His death; He chose to love them too, to the point of dying for their wickedness to give them the gift of eternal life and salvation.

That is the example of love I have to follow.

But what do I often do? To protect my pride, to keep myself from feeling hurt, I build a wall around myself. I have chosen to look down on that "in crowd", to see myself as better than them because of this or that. I don't display the example of love my Savior provides; rather, I do what my heart tells me will protect me from further hurt or risk of feeling left out. Of course, my heart tells me wrong because it is desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9).

I am trying to keep Christ as my heart's all consuming focus. Praying that He would take my dark and loathsome spots of sin and wash them white as snow. Change my selfish heart of flesh and renew it with one passionate for Him, one that overflows with His love for me in a serving love and care for those around me. Jesus, please work in my life. I'm lost without you and the state of my heart makes me hang my head in shame. "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10).

The Savior's Solace in Summer Stress

The start of another semester awaits me tomorrow. As I looked over my course syllabus for each class today, the usual worry creeped into my mind. The fear that I can't do all that I must to fulfill the requirements for my classes. The fear that the work of two summer classes, a full time work load, leading a girls Bible study, and being involved in the college class will become too overwhelming. The stress of balancing my schedule always burdens me on the first day of my semester.

But this time, the stress didn't send me into a state of despair. Though I may have uttered a sigh of "I can't do this", my heart didn't dwell on the thought. And I know the reason why.

This time, my heart and spirit had deeper roots in my Foundation. My King has revealed Himself to me in so many ways the last few months, that I've grown to seek comfort in His promises sooner rather than later. When life presents me with struggles and challenges greater than I can bear, I know and believe that my Creator holds my life and everything around me; to Him I run. I have no reason to wrestle with problems in my own weakness when my God has already conquered it. "My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever" Psalms 73:26.

Will this summer be easy? No. Will I become more reliant on my Savior in the stress and craziness of my work? I pray so. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me (Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5). He promises that I can do all things; not on my own, but through Him, by His power (Philippians 4:13). I know I can't do all this on my own. I'm trusting His leading in my life and claiming His promise in Proverbs 3:5-6; "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

At the end of last summer, I wrote a blog post lamenting my lack of growth and mis-focus. But this summer will be different. God has humbled and molded this heart to desire something more than temporary pleasures. I want to bring my King glory; to be a good visual representation of my Lord and Redeemer. I don't know why He has allowed this broken vessel to serve Him, but I'm so grateful for the opportunities He has provided me to honor Him with.

So, tomorrow I will start the day with this thought; Hallelujah, King Jesus reigns. My sin, my weakness, my pain, my failure, my unbelief; He is greater, stronger, mightier than it all. My Conqueror and King, Comforter and Peace, Love and Life-Source, my Everything is near me. What should I fear?

From Confusion to Celebration- all in one post!

I am confused.
Surprised? I think not. Here are a few reasons why:

•Finals begin this week- a big enough stress factor in itself, considering I haven't yet commenced studying for everything yet.
•Work has become surprisingly unfulfilling and disappointing. Not that I am necessarily sad about this- but more elaboration on this topic at a later date.
•Volunteering- both at the Community Center and in the four year old Sunday school class- has been rewarding, if not without some sacrifice. It has been an encouragement to see how much of a blessing I receive when I have the attitude desiring to be a blessing to others.
•I am coming to the realization of how important friendships are in my life; as well as how much this area has been forgotten and ignored during this last year.

"What is there to be confused about?" you may ask. Let me tell you a little secret: combining any of the two above topics results in some level of stress and confusion for this poor college student. Working full time, taking a full-time load of college classes, taking time out to volunteer, and keeping a few hours open to dedicate to growing friendships closer to Christ has resulted in a roller-coaster ride of emotions this last week.

But God is on His throne, His perfect plan is being put in place, and His Word serves as a comfort to my heart. I over think too much, worry too often, and fear the foolish things too regularly. But my life is a work in progress, being carefully crafted by my Creator, being molded into His image and likeness.

I am so utterly grateful that I am not left to struggle through this life on my own, hopeless, depressed, and lost. This spurs me both take comfort in the refuge of my Savior and to be challenged to share this love and peace with unbelievers.

Christmas is such an amazing time for the celebration and exultation of the coming of our Light of the world. Christmas is such a perfect opportunity to share such celebrations of hope and peace with those who have yet to come to the knowledge of His majesty.

Hallelujah. King Jesus reigns.

Silent Night

I have been blessed as a college student to not have too many late nights of class work or cramming. But tonight, I made the decision to stay up past midnight to work on a lengthy English paper.

In the quietness of my room with the soft glow of my two small Christmas trees, I contemplate how blessed I am. Silent Night softly plays through my headphones as I pause my typing fingers.

Silent night, holy night,
All is calm, all is bright.

The lyrics catch my attention, for the truth in my current situation rings out. Rarely is my mind in such a place that I can lean back and rest in the quietness of the evening, the midnight hour. An unusual calm has settled about me, the soft glow of my trees add to the mood. Then I realized: not only is the softness of my room quite and calm, but by the grace of God through my Savior I can proclaim my soul as calm, declare my future as bright.

Christmas is just a few weeks away. Too often in the rush of daylight do I regret the quickness with which time passes, the constant rush that life seems to keep pace with. I often forget that I have the power of Christ within my humble frame. Never should I feel the need to race on to the next thing. Seeking rest in my Savior and resting in the promises of my King can make the busyness of the morning as silent and calm as the peaceful night.

What a blessing. Peace in the midst of struggle. Rest in the midst of busyness. Silence in the midst of chaos. Jesus in the midst of it all.

Thank You, Father, for this reminder.

The Next Step

*Sigh*
It seems like I have been learning things the hard way the last two weeks. I was quite frustrated with life (eventually asking my mom if she would drive out west with me, live out of my car, and just go antique shopping: she didn't like my idea very much!), and just wanted to get away. But my 13 credit hours at Ivy and 20-ish hours of work at jcp have not made escaping possible. I love the text my mom sent me (though I was somewhat angry with her when she sent it): "Yeah that's life, kid. Focus on Jesus".

Hmmm. Maybe I haven't been doing much of that lately.

This should change. Starting today.