Life without Christ must be miserable. When I try to think, act, live on my own apart from the counsel and comfort of my Savior, I fall. Hard. I wonder why I even try, why I balance such a crazy schedule for no apparent reason, why I don't just say heck with it all and drop school or work. I get overwhelmed. I cry. I worry extensively and spiral into discontented anger.
But praise the Lord I don't live this life on my own! I can crawl on my knees to the throne of grace; I can raise my tear-stained face to my Creator; I can lift my shattered heart to the Lover of my soul.
He listens to my cries. He upholds me with right hand. His tender love overwhelms my soul, covering the fears of my weak heart with powerful waves. He is the Good Shepherd, guiding and caring for this wayward sheep. His cords of love bind my heart to Him, if I surrender. He offers protection from the winds and storms of this life- He is my Fortress and high Tower. He offers strength to my weary bones- He is my Rock. He satisfies my dying thirst- He is the Living Water. He fills my hunger for something more- He is the Bread of Life. He ends my longing search for love that lasts- He is Love, and that Everlasting, from beginning to the end. He answers my need for meaning- He created me for His pleasure.
Lord, draw me to Your side. Your child is hurting and confused, begging Your presence and wisdom. Open my eyes to the reality of these truths; make them pillars in my heart. Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah.
Life just goes by too quickly. It truly is "even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away", as James 4:14 says. My hand cramps every time I write the date as "8-something-12"! I simply cannot fathom how quickly this summer has passed me by.
And passed me by it truly has. It hurts me to say that I now look back over this summer with clarity and see a soul wrapped in immaturity and selfishness. I lived for myself this summer, regrettably not reaching out to those around me with the hands of Christ, but rather creating a ruckus to draw the attention of others to myself. Case in point:
"Look at how rough I have had it this summer! I worked full time and took two college classes. Look at how responsible I am being! I am acting like such an adult. Poor me! This time of my life should be filled with fun like everyone else around me, not with all of this work."
Sad, pathetic, immature, and selfish; and, unfortunately, the truth. Though I knew that I had been sporting a less-than-charming attitude, I didn't really care to see the center of the issue. But living for oneself, even for just a little while, doesn't satisfy; after a while I decided to re-read my long-ago bought book, Life Quest. The opening chapter discussed how today's 20-something generation refuses to grow up, instead choosing to dwell in immaturity and irresponsibility of youth.
Uh-Oh.
Last week I began a quest to change this attitude, trying to place the focus of my life rightfully on my Savior. This means bringing honor to Him in every area of my life- even in my diet and exercise. I acknowledged that my Pepsi habit (consuming more than 32 oz a day!) was just another way to please myself. As difficult as it has been, I have successfully not had a pop in 8 days :D. It may sound foolish, but for me this was one way that I could make a sacrifice that not only denied myself, but was also better for my body- in a small way honoring God through taking care of the vessel He has given me.
Other changes have been made in my life this last week. Communication has increased between me and my Savior. Delving deeper into the Scriptures has helped focus my attitude. Remembering that I am to be a reflection of Christ has impacted how I behave at work.
I find it interesting that when we are little, we create expectations and hopes of what our life will be like in the far, far, FAR away future. For instance, as far back as I can remember, I have pictured myself graduated, married, and mother of two children at the age of 23. Today- alas, that "far, far away future" was not as far off as I had imagined!- as the year in which I turned 19 quickly passes me by I find myself shaking my head at these lofty expectations. Yes, I will likely graduate by that dream age, but married AND two children!! Highly unlikely, considering my not-as-content-as-I-should-be-with-being-single status.
Yet, there is still a part of me that yearns to meet my childhood expectations. Part of me that thinks I would be oh-so-content in this "perfect" pictured age. Part of me that seeks to strive for this status, that becomes discontent at the consideration that it may be slightly foolish.
My discontentment with my current state of life has only increased this past summer. I have wished that I was farther along in my college status, that I was exercising independence by living out on my own, that I had a special someone to text, talk to, and spend my time with. I have wished that I worked fewer hours so that I could increase my credit hours, then wished that I didn't have classes so that I could work more. I have had passing thoughts of panic that I will never be who I wished I would be, that I will never reach the status I seek, that I will forever be "stuck" in my current rut.
Of course- and unfortunately- this line of thinking and worrying stems from a selfish, self-focused heart. I spend so much time thinking about and trying to rush to the next phase of my life that I am missing out on the life lessons, experiences, and special moments in this phase. I am too busy trying to further my own kingdom and myself that I forsake HIS kingdom and my servanthood.
The debt to Him I owe. The life to Him I have pledged. The kingdom of His that I have signed up to fight for. The love of His I have promised to share. The old self I have committed to put off. The new life and Love I have cloaked myself with.
I have forgotten Him as my King, and placed myself on the throne. And it hasn't gotten me anything but heartache and frustration.
Is it bad to have dreams? Aspirations? (Reasonable) goals? No! However, once I placed my focus on reaching these things, I lost my concern and care for the things of the eternal. I rejected the idea- perhaps unknownly- that God is in control, and works all things together in HIS time. He knows best- for He knows all things; I, do not.
Learning (perhaps re-learning) this lesson has been difficult, but necessary. I will have to be reminded of this lesson again, for this world does a good job of distracting me from my Savior and eternity. In the meantime, though, it has once again brought to my attention the necesity of living where I am, with a focus not on next year (or the golden age of 23), but rather a thousand years from now. Time to start learning the lessons, enjoying the special moments and experiences of today, and place all other worries in my God's capable hands. It's worth the wait for His plan to come about, rather than stressing myself on that planning part. As the following song from 33 Miles says, "God has perfect timing, never early, never late. It takes a little patience and it takes a lot of faith, but it's worth the wait!"
Three more finals- two of which are tomorrow- and I will be a college SOPHOMORE, no longer a freshman. That is big.
I have done a lot of contemplating about what has gone on in this last school year. I experienced many firsts; first taste of college, first college papers, first relationship, first full time job. First time I have felt I was regressing in my spiritual life, first time I experienced difficulty in finding time to pray or read scripture, first time I thought too much of myself and experienced a gigantic let down. First time I felt that I was being an "adult", first time I decided I did not like being said adult.
As difficult, disappointing, dissatisfying, as some aspects of this last school year were, not to mention how far away I felt at times in my spiritual walk, I think that I can look back and say that even though I can't "see" upward growth, the difficult times that I had grew me deeper in my relationship with Christ. Experiencing doubt, frustration, and anger- both at life and self- made me seek for a deeper answer, a deeper knowledge, and deeper faith.
Do I want next semester to go exactly like this one did? No. I am ready for something new, more exciting, and less frustrating. Will I get what I want? Probably not, but I know one thing for sure- I will get what I need:
Philippians 4:19, "But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Matthew 6:30-32, "Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things."
Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
Thankful that this semester is nearly behind me. Looking forward to the month off of classes I get to enjoy before summer classes start. Praying that I will be growing closer to my Savior, to my family, and to fulfilling my purpose.
An hour ago I was going through a cacophony of emotions at such a speed that I felt everything at once; frustration, anger at self, pain, resentment, self-pity, loneliness, worthlessness, regret, desperation. Realizing once more how out of control and out of order and out of spiritual alignment my life is, I finally collapsed into tears in my darkened room. Being practical for once, I knew that simply crying wasn't going to fix things so I sought a solution- praying was too hard since I didn't exactly know what to pray and in the back of my head I already kind-of knew the answer and I didn't like it.
I reached for my iPod, earphones, and tissues and selected my Mark Schultz playlist- my go-to in difficult times. My first choice was "Father's Eyes": I played this song on repeat because the lyrics perfectly identified how I was feeling, as well as turned my heart to the solution. Unfortunately (and amazingly) I couldn't find a video with this song, so here are the lyrics:
"Tomorrow she’ll be turning 17 But somehow now the mirror has become her enemy Feelin' like she’ll never measure up Feelin' like she’ll never be enough But in her Father’s Eyes, He is taken by her beauty And captivated by her every time In her Father’s eyes, He is longing just to tell her She’s never been more lovely in her life If only she could see herself one time In her Father’s eyes He’s on the edge of giving up tonight He’s feelin' like he’s wasted the best days of his life Afraid he’ll never be the man he thought that he could be When he looks inside he’s so ashamed of who he sees But in his Father’s eyes He is a son of glory The image of a strong and mighty king In his Father’s eyes, there’s more left in the story He’s fighting hard to hold back tears of pride If only he could see himself tonight In his Father’s eyes. So no matter where you are And no matter what you’ve done You’re not alone You’re not alone And no matter where you’ve been And no matter where you’re from Come back home Come back home Cause in your Father’s eyes, you’re loved with such abandon He’s running to you now arms open wide In your Father’s eyes, you’re safe and you’re accepted There’s nothing you can do to change His mind If only you could see yourself one time If only you could see yourself one time In your Father’s eyes." (Copied from MetroLyrics.com)
So true and touching- by this point I am a sobbing mess and listen to "He Is" (one of my favorites!).
This is the best video I could find, so just close your eyes to the cheesy pictures and let the lyrics sink into your heart.
After all of this I sat in silence for a few minutes. Then the well-known song "Just As I Am" came to my lips- a perfect reply to God's touch on my heart:
(This is verse 3 which stood out to me the most considering my emotions earlier)
"Just as I am, tho' toss'd about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fight-ings withing and fears without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!"
His Love Letter to me; this is just a minuscule portion of the ways He mentions He loves me, but what a reminder to my wandering heart!
Isa 38:17 Behold, for peace I had great bitterness: but thou hast in love to my soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for thou hast cast all my sins behind thy back.
Isa 63:9 In all their affliction he was afflicted, and the angel of his presence saved them: in his love and in his pity he redeemed them; and he bare them, and carried them all the days of old.
Jer 31:3 The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.
Eph 3:17 -19 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;and to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
Eph 5:2 And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.
1Ti 1:14 And the grace of our Lord was exceeding abundant with faith and love which is in Christ Jesus.
Tit 3:4 But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared,
1Jo 3:16 Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
1Jo 4:9 -10 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
The Maker of the universe is the Lover of my soul. He made my inmost parts, my deepest thoughts, my silent prayers, my hidden dreams. He planted within me my hopes of a future and is reading my story aloud- He has had it written down since the beginning of ages- so that I may hear it, see it, live it, page by page, word by word. Why do I so seldom acknowledge His masterpiece and try to scribble my own story idea atop of His finished work?
A lack of eternal focus and drive that He desires to grow in me; I have refused to submit, for the present takes up my attention. I am so consumed with the drudgery of the day's work that I fail to delight in the oasis of a vacation that is around the corner.
Take my heart, my dreams, my will, my focus, and mold it into what you would have it to be- one that is consumed with the story You have written, planned, designed, created for me. But, no, not just the story- the Author of it. Amen.
I have had some extra time to enjoy myself this week during spring break. I went to almost all my antique stores- and asked about booth and employment opportunities-, tried out a new hole-in-the-wall diner, enjoyed several delish crushed-iced/vanilla shots/pepsis, and went for a long country drive with the windows down and music up. Sure, I had to work every night this week (it was just suppose to be 2 nights, but I am grateful for the extra hours), but it was awesome having all day to do whatever. AND we had amazing weather: 65-80 degrees. In March. In Indiana. <- that is pretty outstanding.
Hopefully it won't be as difficult to get back into the classes-at-7:30 morning routine as I am guessing it will be. Just 2 more months of classes, then a month long break, then summer classes, then 2 weeks off, then back to fall classes.
^that is a depressing schedule.
On a brighter note, I should be able to graduate with my Associates degree next spring. Not that the degree itself will help me with anything. After that small accomplishment, I then have to transfer somewhere to obtain a degree that will have an actual impact- like a Bachelor's degree in Business or Management. But I don't know where or what just yet.
Just so this post doesn't end in such a depressing manner, here are some random pictures :)
~Diamond ring Daddio bought me as a token and reminder of his love~
Picture of the ocean from my graduation trip- can't believe that was just last year!!
Awesome picture taken in my back yard
First made this for the banner of this blog- no, I don't wear my glasses anymore.
Pinterest is my new fave time waster- I really wanna buy a house like this and fix it up!!
Every once in a while- a long while, that is- I desire some change. Good change though, preferably the kind I can control (human and perfectionist nature combined with a large dose of control freakism). Thus the new look on the blog (until I make the time to mold it into the "perfect" look).
But that is not the only change in my little life lately. Oh, no. I also have rearranged my class schedule to accommodate more hours at work. Ya see, I was offered a different position at jcp this past week- considering the lead position I currently hold will soon be dissolved. <- sadface. But I am excited about this new step forward in my life, cautioned to take it with much prayer and consideration.
In the process of dropping a class (leaving me with 12 credit hours, not 15), I discovered that my goal of obtaining my Associate degree is not that far from my grasp. My tentative future plan is as follows: take a science class this summer (it will be fast paced and hardcore, so most likely the only one I take), then take 5 classes this fall (fewer credit hours because of the increase of holiday hours at the job). That only leaves 6 classes for the 2013 spring semester- then I graduate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D
This is somewhat short lived happiness however. Because then I must decide my future steps. Kinda relying on God to show me what those will be when the time comes. Preferably as soon as possible, considering the natures I exhibit discussed above. Learning from this summer though, I doubt I will know until the middle of summer, 2013. *sigh*.
I have been contemplating many topics and rabbit trails in my mind lately. Not brave enough to post to the blogger world just yet, however. Stay tuned and you may find out (then again, I start classes back up next Monday combined with 38ish hours at work. I suppose you will learn a little bit about patience, ;).
I close with the acknowledgement that I need to post some pictures. I received some amazing gifts for Christmas from the wonderful/thoughtful/seemingly-all-knowing-momma that I can't wait to share!
Oh! And I have a new Bible reading strategy for this year. I should share it in a post soon. Maybe.
God bless and keep you. May He lead each of us to Him through whatever He wish; and may we follow willingly, understanding (or at least believing) that true joy is only discovered and bestowed through our King of kings.
I have absolutely lost my favorite Christmas postcards. They are no where to be found :(
I discovered that I missed two e-math quizzes- very frustrated that I forgot and had no reminders >:(
I feel like it is only October: I don't know how much more I can get into the Christmas season than working retail, but it has not sunk in that there is only 21 days until Christmas :O
I can't wait until the new year so I can have a fresh start, a new semester, and fewer crazy hours at work. But I don't want this year to end already, I am going to miss all my teachers and few close classmates, and I have been complaining of not having enough hours at my job. I believe I am indecisive, but I cannot decide if that is the case or if it is something else.
I wish I lived in a different state, somewhere out west, with no school or work responsibility, just doing my own antique dream. But this "dream" would have to work without any problems, and I don't really want to go through yet another change, so maybe I am happier where I am.
I have not given my Savior the credit due to His name and His work on the cross. I have complained and moaned and griped and sighed and wished and coveted and sought out ways to fulfill what I think my life should be. As a result, I have forgotten that I "am bought with a price" paid by the precious blood of the Lamb, my Savior and Friend (1 Corinthians 6:20). For this I fall on my knees in humility and despisement of self. How wrong I have been this week. God, help me to go forward in the light of Your Son, following not my will but Thine, and seeking to bring honor and glory to You.
*Sigh*. Now time for a busy week of lasts. Our last girls Bible study, last week of English class, last week before finals. And prayerfully, last week of having such a self-centered view and heart. For a while, at least.
EEK!
Yesterday we had our first real snow of the season~ thick, wet, beautiful white, snow.
It was a pain to drive in. But I appreciated the beauty of it from my warm inside view.
I find it hard to believe that tomorrow is the start of December. The year has gone by so fast! Yet, time is a funny thing, for the beginning of the year seems like ages ago. The days of my DVD school, easy job at work (before team leader status), and worrying about what degree I would pursue seem like a distant memory. So maybe I am still worrying about my degree, but the other things still hold true.
I know that I am a different person than what I was in January. More mature, more skilled, more aware of my helplessness and sinful nature, more stressed, more excited about the future (though I have a better idea as to how difficult it may be). God has been good to me this year; He has grown me in my walk with Him, my relationships with others, and my view of self. He has held my hand through trials (the death of Grandpa, the worry of college, the fright of a missions trip to NYC), uplifted me in rejoicing (graduating high school, being promoted at work, starting college and succeeding in classes, sharing the Gospel), and been my constant companion during everything in between.
This next month is going to be crazy- college finals, Holiday hours at jcp, more future worries, etc. But I have the confidence and proof that my God will be there to carry me through it all, I just need to remember that He is standing with arms open, ready to answer my cry. And not forget the lessons I "learned" earlier this year about doing all on my own.
Philippians 4:19 ~But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Genesis 28:15 ~And, behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land; for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.
1 Peter 5:7 ~Casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you.
Luke 12:6-7 ~Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.
Ephesians 3:20-21 ~Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.
*Sigh*
It seems like I have been learning things the hard way the last two weeks. I was quite frustrated with life (eventually asking my mom if she would drive out west with me, live out of my car, and just go antique shopping: she didn't like my idea very much!), and just wanted to get away. But my 13 credit hours at Ivy and 20-ish hours of work at jcp have not made escaping possible. I love the text my mom sent me (though I was somewhat angry with her when she sent it): "Yeah that's life, kid. Focus on Jesus".
Hmmm. Maybe I haven't been doing much of that lately.
