Life without Christ must be miserable. When I try to think, act, live on my own apart from the counsel and comfort of my Savior, I fall. Hard. I wonder why I even try, why I balance such a crazy schedule for no apparent reason, why I don't just say heck with it all and drop school or work. I get overwhelmed. I cry. I worry extensively and spiral into discontented anger.
But praise the Lord I don't live this life on my own! I can crawl on my knees to the throne of grace; I can raise my tear-stained face to my Creator; I can lift my shattered heart to the Lover of my soul.
He listens to my cries. He upholds me with right hand. His tender love overwhelms my soul, covering the fears of my weak heart with powerful waves. He is the Good Shepherd, guiding and caring for this wayward sheep. His cords of love bind my heart to Him, if I surrender. He offers protection from the winds and storms of this life- He is my Fortress and high Tower. He offers strength to my weary bones- He is my Rock. He satisfies my dying thirst- He is the Living Water. He fills my hunger for something more- He is the Bread of Life. He ends my longing search for love that lasts- He is Love, and that Everlasting, from beginning to the end. He answers my need for meaning- He created me for His pleasure.
Lord, draw me to Your side. Your child is hurting and confused, begging Your presence and wisdom. Open my eyes to the reality of these truths; make them pillars in my heart. Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah.
My summer could most definitely be summarized by the word busy, or scheduled. But this one word, tired, would describe my spirit during this time. I feel ragged. Worn. I often feel like I won't be able to keep up this pace for the last half of this season. My innate desire for independence- rather than a spirit of submission- pushes me to attempt to exceed all my duties on my own, to fulfill the expectations of those around me, to be able to cross the last task off my to-do list and feel satisfied that I accomplished it all.
But I can't. If I chose to let the waves of fear crash over my soul, I crumble under the sense of being overwhelmed- because I am. I can't work over forty hours at my job, while taking two eight-week college courses, serve in various ministries, and prepare, plan, and lead a high school girls' Bible study every week. And those are only the things I've committed to this summer, not including being active in the college ministry activities, devoting time to build friendships, setting time aside to be a participant in my family's life, taking steps to go beyond my regular devotions to grow a greater understanding of my King, and being wiling to sacrifice time to invest in the live of others.
As it is, I am not doing some of the things I half-way committed to, like a weekly college Bible study, helping the coffee ministry on Saturday nights, and growing personally in areas of my life in the summer-goals-I'd-like-to-see-accomplished list I made.
I have responded poorly more times this summer than I have responded correctly to circumstances in my life. I have quite a list of regrets already, and the summer is only half-way over. I've asked myself "why?" a hundred times. I look back on the state of my heart at the end of this past spring and wonder how a heart so on fire and focused on Christ could struggle so much on even simply communicating with its Savior a few weeks later. I know that the answer is a sinful nature; that what I set my heart and thoughts on directs the path my life then follows. But I've fought with God the last two weeks. I've asked Him to show me where there may be unconfessed sin, since I haven't felt His presence, His guidance; my prayers feel like they are going unheard. I've pled the Psalms where David confidently cries out to God, repeating the promises God made of hearing his prayers. "How long, oh Lord?" I've asked. I've prayed for wisdom, for clarity, for peace, for forgiveness, for a clean heart, for a new spirit, for answers. I've prayed for the endurance to continue, for confidence in my asking, for an increase in my belief.
I guess I'll have to rely on what I can't see. I have to continue by faith. My God has never proven Himself to be unfaithful; He won't start now. I need to stop and assess my thoughts, my motives, my heart- and give them up to Christ. I need to seek my solace in my Savior, my rest in my Redeemer, my peace in the Prince of peace.
I need to give up doing everything in my own strength. It's never going to work.
Praise God it doesn't have to. He is enough.
I am confused. Surprised? I think not. Here are a few reasons
why:
•Finals begin this week- a big enough stress factor in itself,
considering I haven't yet commenced studying for everything yet. •Work has
become surprisingly unfulfilling and disappointing. Not that I am necessarily
sad about this- but more elaboration on this topic at a later
date. •Volunteering- both at the Community Center and in the four year old
Sunday school class- has been rewarding, if not without some sacrifice. It has
been an encouragement to see how much of a blessing I receive when I have the
attitude desiring to be a blessing to others. •I am coming to the
realization of how important friendships are in my life; as well as how much
this area has been forgotten and ignored during this last year.
"What is
there to be confused about?" you may ask. Let me tell you a little secret:
combining any of the two above topics results in some level of stress and
confusion for this poor college student. Working full time, taking a full-time
load of college classes, taking time out to volunteer, and keeping a few hours
open to dedicate to growing friendships closer to Christ has resulted in a
roller-coaster ride of emotions this last week.
But God is on His
throne, His perfect plan is being put in place, and His Word serves as a comfort
to my heart. I over think too much, worry too often, and fear the foolish things
too regularly. But my life is a work in progress, being carefully crafted by my
Creator, being molded into His image and likeness.
I am so utterly
grateful that I am not left to struggle through this life on my own, hopeless,
depressed, and lost. This spurs me both take comfort in the refuge of my Savior
and to be challenged to share this love and peace with unbelievers.
Christmas is such an amazing time for the celebration and exultation of the
coming of our Light of the world. Christmas is such a perfect opportunity to
share such celebrations of hope and peace with those who have yet to come to the
knowledge of His majesty.
I find it interesting that when we are little, we create expectations and hopes of what our life will be like in the far, far, FAR away future. For instance, as far back as I can remember, I have pictured myself graduated, married, and mother of two children at the age of 23. Today- alas, that "far, far away future" was not as far off as I had imagined!- as the year in which I turned 19 quickly passes me by I find myself shaking my head at these lofty expectations. Yes, I will likely graduate by that dream age, but married AND two children!! Highly unlikely, considering my not-as-content-as-I-should-be-with-being-single status.
Yet, there is still a part of me that yearns to meet my childhood expectations. Part of me that thinks I would be oh-so-content in this "perfect" pictured age. Part of me that seeks to strive for this status, that becomes discontent at the consideration that it may be slightly foolish.
My discontentment with my current state of life has only increased this past summer. I have wished that I was farther along in my college status, that I was exercising independence by living out on my own, that I had a special someone to text, talk to, and spend my time with. I have wished that I worked fewer hours so that I could increase my credit hours, then wished that I didn't have classes so that I could work more. I have had passing thoughts of panic that I will never be who I wished I would be, that I will never reach the status I seek, that I will forever be "stuck" in my current rut.
Of course- and unfortunately- this line of thinking and worrying stems from a selfish, self-focused heart. I spend so much time thinking about and trying to rush to the next phase of my life that I am missing out on the life lessons, experiences, and special moments in this phase. I am too busy trying to further my own kingdom and myself that I forsake HIS kingdom and my servanthood.
The debt to Him I owe. The life to Him I have pledged. The kingdom of His that I have signed up to fight for. The love of His I have promised to share. The old self I have committed to put off. The new life and Love I have cloaked myself with.
I have forgotten Him as my King, and placed myself on the throne. And it hasn't gotten me anything but heartache and frustration.
Is it bad to have dreams? Aspirations? (Reasonable) goals? No! However, once I placed my focus on reaching these things, I lost my concern and care for the things of the eternal. I rejected the idea- perhaps unknownly- that God is in control, and works all things together in HIS time. He knows best- for He knows all things; I, do not.
Learning (perhaps re-learning) this lesson has been difficult, but necessary. I will have to be reminded of this lesson again, for this world does a good job of distracting me from my Savior and eternity. In the meantime, though, it has once again brought to my attention the necesity of living where I am, with a focus not on next year (or the golden age of 23), but rather a thousand years from now. Time to start learning the lessons, enjoying the special moments and experiences of today, and place all other worries in my God's capable hands. It's worth the wait for His plan to come about, rather than stressing myself on that planning part. As the following song from 33 Miles says, "God has perfect timing, never early, never late. It takes a little patience and it takes a lot of faith, but it's worth the wait!"
