Contemplating the fleeting months of this summer have left me wondering how the
weeks could have swept by me so quickly! It has certainly been a different
summer than last year's. I had just graduated, was working barely part-time,
went on a missions trip to the projects of New York (all my recordings of this trip can be found here and in the two following posts), and was beginning my
college endeavor. This summer has been entangled with the busywork of two online
classes and a full time workload at jcp. No, unfortunately, this summer has not
been paired with a closer walk with my Savior; I have discovered just how
difficult it is living most of this year as an adult. Thousands more things, it
seems, pull at my attention and bargain for my time more than last year- even
last fall semester. I struggle with balancing work and classes- managing my time
"properly" if not correctly. But I have made small steps towards re-bonding with
my Lord. And amazingly He has blessed my lackluster steps by opening my eyes to
the Word in different ways than ever before. Verses I have literally read a
hundred times are now being read with new enlightenment and understanding. My
God truly is marvelous, loving me and longing to teach me more about Him if I
but listen.
As my last post (written a long time ago in blog-world time,
I admit) stated my personal battle with attitude, I now confess a complaining
spirit. "My life is so dull", "social life is non-existent", "all I do is work,
work, work", "I wish I could just run away from it all": these complaints and
countless like them have rolled off my tongue, not only to family members, but
sadly also to my coworker/friends. This spirit is in opposition to that which I
began my job with that I hang my head in shame when I consider my drifting
testimony. Those who I spend the most time around have truly influence d who I
have become. I have poorly chosen to turn down opportunities to fellowship with
other believers, excusing myself for work, business, or simply reasoning in my
head that all those in my college class at church are cliquish, or that I simply
don't fit in (as I wrote about here). In my
most brutally honest corner of my mind (being harshly honest with oneself is
often a good dose of medicine!) I know that the reason I do this boils down to
fear. Fear of the unknown- future at work, my future career, future life path,
future friendships, fear of maybe being hurt or excluded. I think I exclude
myself because I fear others will do it anyway. The other day I sat crying-
feeling as if part of me must be broken for me to be in the state that I am. I
eventually worked through my emotions to the heart of the matter- searching for
myself in something-popularity, friendships, relationships, independence,
maturity- other than God. The obvious answer to all of these things then is
pursuing Christ in a way that I have been created for and remade unto. Easy to
write; yet difficult to do in my own strength. God, move me to action in seeking
You! Only there will I ever be truly satisfied.
A verse that I have known
most of my life stood out to me in a new light after coming to this point in my
life: "This my joy therefore is fulfilled. He must increase, but I must
decrease"(John 3:29b,30). I always focused on the increase/decrease message
before- but Monday it occurred to me how these verses are linked. Joy is found
at the end of me, fully in Christ! I don't have to fight for, strive for, earn
this satisfaction- it is all in Christ, through Christ, by Christ! Praise the
Lamb!
Amber~ His beloved
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