I am impatient in most areas of my life.
Okay, I am impatient in all areas of my life.
Especially in the relationship area. I have been growing steadily impatient-er (I know, it isn't a word) the last few weeks- if I am honest, the last few months- with my lack of a special relationship.
Here I could go off on a theological discussion of how I know that the most important, special, exciting, pleasing, fulfilling, deepest, relationship I could ever dream of being in is the relationship between myself and my Savior, my King, my God, my Lord. I know this. In the deepest depth of my heart I understand this. My brain constantly pulls me back to this fact. But, I am sinful. I seek pleasure in things other than my incomprable relationship with my Creator. So if you continue reading this post, bear in mind that this is the rant and realization of a sinner who knows better, who knows the Answer to this heart problem, who recognizes that this does boil down to a heart/sin problem. So here, instead of preaching to myself right away, I will delve into why I have been growing impatient.
It seems everyone I know is in a relationship, starting a relationship, or happy with the love of their life. Meanwhile, I have no social life (again, I could go into a discussion of why this is my own fault- but that would destroy this lovely pity party). I spend my life working full time with people I do thoroughly enjoy working with (but no eligible fellows there), balancing a full college load of 15 credit hours (with four of those classes being online, again leaving no eligible fellows- just grammatical ignoramuses). The few moments I spend outside this bubble of work and school, I grow a negative attitude that I never get noticed. No one is ever going to see past this face of disinterest I have been told I put off. I don't mean to seem that way!
This pity party is not one I desire to linger in. I knew I needed to lose this 'tudage and get over myself. Unfortunately I started complaining to God. Here I am, trying to wait on Your timing and not rush into anything I try to create on my own. But Your timing is soooo slow! I mean, I am not growing any younger, and in my perfect picture of my life, I should be in a serious relationship right now in order to be married and have a child by 23. Are You ever going to bring the right guy into my life? Or does Your plan leave me all alone? Quite a foolish argument when I see it typed out. But this sinner's heart is foolish. After thinking such thoughts even last night, God had a plan for me today.
First off, my mom sent me this picture in an email:
Then, my Pandora account played John Waller's "While I'm Waiting" song twice while I was getting ready for church. Such beautiful lyrics and reminder of what I should be doing. Here is a video of the song:
Okay, I get the reminder. Thank You, Father, for sending that song to me at this time. But His plan for this morning was not finished. The title of today's sermon was "Learning to Wait Well". Hmmm. I admit that tears welled up several times during the sermon, as well as during the worship service song lyrics "I will wait for You". My detail-oriented God orchestrated this morning as a reminder for this foolish daughter of His. He knows what He is doing. He knows my heart and my desires- He created me with such desires. He also knows that while I wait for His plans to come about, He can orchestrate something within my own heart, something that draws me closer into our relationship.
I am impatient. But I will be attempting to worship, serve, and grow deeper with my Savior in the wait.
