I have no way to tell if anyone actually read my last post- but if you prayed, I am very grateful!
This morning at 6:30, once I had gotten ready for my 7:30 COMM class, I sat down at the kitchen table and spent much needed time with my Lord. I broke down the wall I seemed to have built up between us. I confessed what I knew to be true; I had gone my own way, and though I knew what was good, I did it not- therefore it became sin (James 4:17). I had turned my own way and saw that it led to disappointments, stress, anger, and sorrow.
No, I am not back to where I was. But now I am facing the right direction- downward on my knees.
Thank You, only Savior, for guiding and providing, for grace and mercy, for forgiveness and love.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Further away...
I seem to be lost in a section of my own mind.
Time goes through crazy periods of flying by and dragging on.
My 40 hour work weeks with 12 credit hours worth of homework- combined with 3-midnight shifts- have me feeling like I am losing the "grip" I had on my life.
I don't feel as needed or at the top of my game at work like I did before this position change.
I discovered that I had been placing my identity in my job and work life and not in my Savior- ouch.
I missed the first few Bible studies (one of the best parts of last semester) because of this crazy job- yet I complain about not getting enough hours or go in on my days off.
I have not been feeling satisfied with any aspect of my life: spiritual side has taken a step back (need to read and pray more), work has gone out of control, friendships have become dusty, and family has become more strained than it should.
When will this end?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!
Oh. As soon as I surrender. Hmph- that is a lot harder than it used to be. I think I have become pleased with the feeling of self accomplishment and fufillment, and have chosen to forget the ultimate satisfaction Christ alone can give. I have come to the point where my accomplishments have fallen flat and my "fufillment" has left me empty. But I still can't seem to get back to where I was, let alone move forward.
If you are reading this and you know me, I'd appreciate the prayer. I may not confess this by word of mouth, but I need help desperately. But only God can do that helping, and only I can accept it. I don't need a lecture, a how-to, or a stern command from man: I need to work this out between myself and my Savior. However, I do ask for prayer.
Thank you. And thank You Savior for not giving up on me yet or ever. I am seeking my way back to You- thank You for Your love and patience.
Time goes through crazy periods of flying by and dragging on.
My 40 hour work weeks with 12 credit hours worth of homework- combined with 3-midnight shifts- have me feeling like I am losing the "grip" I had on my life.
I don't feel as needed or at the top of my game at work like I did before this position change.
I discovered that I had been placing my identity in my job and work life and not in my Savior- ouch.
I missed the first few Bible studies (one of the best parts of last semester) because of this crazy job- yet I complain about not getting enough hours or go in on my days off.
I have not been feeling satisfied with any aspect of my life: spiritual side has taken a step back (need to read and pray more), work has gone out of control, friendships have become dusty, and family has become more strained than it should.
When will this end?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!
Oh. As soon as I surrender. Hmph- that is a lot harder than it used to be. I think I have become pleased with the feeling of self accomplishment and fufillment, and have chosen to forget the ultimate satisfaction Christ alone can give. I have come to the point where my accomplishments have fallen flat and my "fufillment" has left me empty. But I still can't seem to get back to where I was, let alone move forward.
If you are reading this and you know me, I'd appreciate the prayer. I may not confess this by word of mouth, but I need help desperately. But only God can do that helping, and only I can accept it. I don't need a lecture, a how-to, or a stern command from man: I need to work this out between myself and my Savior. However, I do ask for prayer.
Thank you. And thank You Savior for not giving up on me yet or ever. I am seeking my way back to You- thank You for Your love and patience.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Ramblings
If you are looking for something wise or witty, you are probably reading the wrong blog.
Still reading? What kind of material do you want to read? Foolish and unwitty?
Tsk, tsk.
Finished the first days of my new semester classes this week. Believing- at least trying to convince myself- that these will be easy classes. I will probably be laughing at the statement at the end of the semester, but I can trick majority of my brain for now. Because of these "easy" (*cough* ha *cough*) classes and my 38 scheduled work hours- of which I am pretty happy with and enjoying my time in- I have been wishing that I could just scrap this college thing and work full time. I mean, one of the reasons I am obtaining this piddely degree is to get a to get a good job, right? Sooo why not jump at this opportunity I DID have and work full time at my favorite employer? Unfortunately my voice of reason has not totally jumped on board with this idea- in order to satisfy it, I could just work on my degree 6 or even 9 credit hours per semester.
*SIGH*
No can do. The house authority would most likely strangle me, for one, and for another, I would probably become impatient- er, more impatient- so this would never truly work. I am very much frustrated with where I am at right now. Maybe it is because I have become greedy. Maybe I am already sick of college (bored with it, at least). I could go on with a myriad of maybes, but alas, I know one of the main answers. And I don't like it one bit.
Not enough time with God= bad attitude, poor choices, discontentment, unhappiness, grumpiness, Etc.
Hmph. More blogging on this later. Need to think and sleep.
Still reading? What kind of material do you want to read? Foolish and unwitty?
Tsk, tsk.
Finished the first days of my new semester classes this week. Believing- at least trying to convince myself- that these will be easy classes. I will probably be laughing at the statement at the end of the semester, but I can trick majority of my brain for now. Because of these "easy" (*cough* ha *cough*) classes and my 38 scheduled work hours- of which I am pretty happy with and enjoying my time in- I have been wishing that I could just scrap this college thing and work full time. I mean, one of the reasons I am obtaining this piddely degree is to get a to get a good job, right? Sooo why not jump at this opportunity I DID have and work full time at my favorite employer? Unfortunately my voice of reason has not totally jumped on board with this idea- in order to satisfy it, I could just work on my degree 6 or even 9 credit hours per semester.
*SIGH*
No can do. The house authority would most likely strangle me, for one, and for another, I would probably become impatient- er, more impatient- so this would never truly work. I am very much frustrated with where I am at right now. Maybe it is because I have become greedy. Maybe I am already sick of college (bored with it, at least). I could go on with a myriad of maybes, but alas, I know one of the main answers. And I don't like it one bit.
Not enough time with God= bad attitude, poor choices, discontentment, unhappiness, grumpiness, Etc.
Hmph. More blogging on this later. Need to think and sleep.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Update- the blog and my life :)
Every once in a while- a long while, that is- I desire some change. Good change though, preferably the kind I can control (human and perfectionist nature combined with a large dose of control freakism). Thus the new look on the blog (until I make the time to mold it into the "perfect" look).
But that is not the only change in my little life lately. Oh, no. I also have rearranged my class schedule to accommodate more hours at work. Ya see, I was offered a different position at jcp this past week- considering the lead position I currently hold will soon be dissolved. <- sadface. But I am excited about this new step forward in my life, cautioned to take it with much prayer and consideration.
In the process of dropping a class (leaving me with 12 credit hours, not 15), I discovered that my goal of obtaining my Associate degree is not that far from my grasp. My tentative future plan is as follows: take a science class this summer (it will be fast paced and hardcore, so most likely the only one I take), then take 5 classes this fall (fewer credit hours because of the increase of holiday hours at the job). That only leaves 6 classes for the 2013 spring semester- then I graduate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D
This is somewhat short lived happiness however. Because then I must decide my future steps. Kinda relying on God to show me what those will be when the time comes. Preferably as soon as possible, considering the natures I exhibit discussed above. Learning from this summer though, I doubt I will know until the middle of summer, 2013. *sigh*.
I have been contemplating many topics and rabbit trails in my mind lately. Not brave enough to post to the blogger world just yet, however. Stay tuned and you may find out (then again, I start classes back up next Monday combined with 38ish hours at work. I suppose you will learn a little bit about patience, ;).
I close with the acknowledgement that I need to post some pictures. I received some amazing gifts for Christmas from the wonderful/thoughtful/seemingly-all-knowing-momma that I can't wait to share!
Oh! And I have a new Bible reading strategy for this year. I should share it in a post soon. Maybe.
God bless and keep you. May He lead each of us to Him through whatever He wish; and may we follow willingly, understanding (or at least believing) that true joy is only discovered and bestowed through our King of kings.
But that is not the only change in my little life lately. Oh, no. I also have rearranged my class schedule to accommodate more hours at work. Ya see, I was offered a different position at jcp this past week- considering the lead position I currently hold will soon be dissolved. <- sadface. But I am excited about this new step forward in my life, cautioned to take it with much prayer and consideration.
In the process of dropping a class (leaving me with 12 credit hours, not 15), I discovered that my goal of obtaining my Associate degree is not that far from my grasp. My tentative future plan is as follows: take a science class this summer (it will be fast paced and hardcore, so most likely the only one I take), then take 5 classes this fall (fewer credit hours because of the increase of holiday hours at the job). That only leaves 6 classes for the 2013 spring semester- then I graduate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D
This is somewhat short lived happiness however. Because then I must decide my future steps. Kinda relying on God to show me what those will be when the time comes. Preferably as soon as possible, considering the natures I exhibit discussed above. Learning from this summer though, I doubt I will know until the middle of summer, 2013. *sigh*.
I have been contemplating many topics and rabbit trails in my mind lately. Not brave enough to post to the blogger world just yet, however. Stay tuned and you may find out (then again, I start classes back up next Monday combined with 38ish hours at work. I suppose you will learn a little bit about patience, ;).
I close with the acknowledgement that I need to post some pictures. I received some amazing gifts for Christmas from the wonderful/thoughtful/seemingly-all-knowing-momma that I can't wait to share!
Oh! And I have a new Bible reading strategy for this year. I should share it in a post soon. Maybe.
God bless and keep you. May He lead each of us to Him through whatever He wish; and may we follow willingly, understanding (or at least believing) that true joy is only discovered and bestowed through our King of kings.
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