Final Week of Freshman Year

Three more finals- two of which are tomorrow- and I will be a college SOPHOMORE, no longer a freshman. That is big.

I have done a lot of contemplating about what has gone on in this last school year. I experienced many firsts; first taste of college, first college papers, first relationship, first full time job. First time I have felt I was regressing in my spiritual life, first time I experienced difficulty in finding time to pray or read scripture, first time I thought too much of myself and experienced a gigantic let down. First time I felt that I was being an "adult", first time I decided I did not like being said adult.

As difficult, disappointing, dissatisfying, as some aspects of this last school year were, not to mention how far away I felt at times in my spiritual walk, I think that I can look back and say that even though I can't "see" upward growth, the difficult times that I had grew me deeper in my relationship with Christ. Experiencing doubt, frustration, and anger- both at life and self- made me seek for a deeper answer, a deeper knowledge, and deeper faith.

Do I want next semester to go exactly like this one did? No. I am ready for something new, more exciting, and less frustrating. Will I get what I want? Probably not, but I know one thing for sure- I will get what I need:

Philippians 4:19, "But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Matthew 6:30-32, "Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things."
Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."

Thankful that this semester is nearly behind me. Looking forward to the month off of classes I get to enjoy before summer classes start. Praying that I will be growing closer to my Savior, to my family, and to fulfilling my purpose.

My Heart

An hour ago I was going through a cacophony of emotions at such a speed that I felt everything at once; frustration, anger at self, pain, resentment, self-pity, loneliness, worthlessness, regret, desperation. Realizing once more how out of control and out of order and out of spiritual alignment my life is, I finally collapsed into tears in my darkened room. Being practical for once, I knew that simply crying wasn't going to fix things so I sought a solution- praying was too hard since I didn't exactly know what to pray and in the back of my head I already kind-of knew the answer and I didn't like it.

I reached for my iPod, earphones, and tissues and selected my Mark Schultz playlist- my go-to in difficult times. My first choice was "Father's Eyes": I played this song on repeat because the lyrics perfectly identified how I was feeling, as well as turned my heart to the solution.  Unfortunately (and amazingly) I couldn't find a video with this song, so here are the lyrics:

"Tomorrow she’ll be turning 17
But somehow now the mirror has become her enemy
Feelin' like she’ll never measure up
Feelin' like she’ll never be enough
But in her Father’s Eyes,
He is taken by her beauty
And captivated by her every time
In her Father’s eyes,
He is longing just to tell her
She’s never been more lovely in her life
If only she could see herself one time
In her Father’s eyes
He’s on the edge of giving up tonight
He’s feelin' like he’s wasted the best days of his life
Afraid he’ll never be the man he thought that he could be
When he looks inside he’s so ashamed of who he sees
But in his Father’s eyes
He is a son of glory
The image of a strong and mighty king
In his Father’s eyes, there’s more left in the story
He’s fighting hard to hold back tears of pride
If only he could see himself tonight
In his Father’s eyes.
So no matter where you are
And no matter what you’ve done
You’re not alone
You’re not alone
And no matter where you’ve been
And no matter where you’re from
Come back home
Come back home
Cause in your Father’s eyes, you’re loved with such abandon
He’s running to you now arms open wide
In your Father’s eyes, you’re safe and you’re accepted
There’s nothing you can do to change His mind
If only you could see yourself one time
If only you could see yourself one time
In your Father’s eyes."
(Copied from MetroLyrics.com)

So true and touching- by this point I am a sobbing mess and listen to "He Is" (one of my favorites!).

This is the best video I could find, so just close your eyes to the cheesy pictures and let the lyrics sink into your heart.

After all of this I sat in silence for a few minutes. Then the well-known song "Just As I Am" came to my lips- a perfect reply to God's touch on my heart:
(This is verse 3 which stood out to me the most considering my emotions earlier)
"Just as I am, tho' toss'd about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fight-ings withing and fears without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!"



God is amazing and works through wondrous ways.

His Beloved