A Love Lately Forgotten

I've been reading in John the last few days. After the crazy few weeks I just had, I needed to read about my Savior in John's down-to-earth, detailed, love-centered tone. Though the author's focus is portraying Jesus as God, I feel like I can relate to the humanness of my Savior the most in John. I see His love and it grows my love for Him. Here are a few passages that caught my attention this morning. 

"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know" (John 14:1-4). The first calling slowed my heart today, as "troubled" well-described my heart's condition. But my Jesus didn't just tell me to not be troubled- even if He did, that would simply be enough- He promised that He is preparing something grander for me, and more spectacular than that, He promises to be with me! To come back for me! How my heart longs for this tonight; longs, yet rejoices in the fact that His Spirit dwells within me- how I have forgotten this the last few weeks!

"He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself. After that he poureth water into a bason, and began to wash the disciples' feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded" (John 13:4, 5). I love how this verse shows the humility of my Savior- He laid aside His garments as He did His heavenly glory when He left His throne- to wash the filth off his traitor's feet. 

"Jesus saith unto him, Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip? he that hath seen me hath seen the Father; and how sayest thou then, Shew us the Father?" (John 14:9). I can just hear the pain in His voice as He looks at Philip with hurt in His eyes, thinking back over the last few years He has spent pouring His life into these men. These men, who were privileged and chosen to walk with Christ, live with Christ, study His actions, listen to His prayers, they still didn't get it, didn't understand, couldn't comprehend. 

"Now before the feast of the passover, when Jesus knew that his hour was come that he should depart out of this world unto the Father, having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end" (John 13:1). This has to be one of the verses about Christ that I love the most. "He loved His own". In the nearing of my Lord's hardest hours on this earth, His focus was on the sinful, forgetful, hard-headed men who gave up everything to follow Him. He chose them, but greater than that, He loved them. 

Oh Savior, I would that You would draw me to Your side. Thank You for this morning's reminder of Your everlasting, penetrating, heart-transforming love.

Saturday Night Struggles

Being the perfectionist and time manager that I am, I always decide the evening before what outfit I will wear the next day- complete with jewelry and shoes. Saturday night is no different, though I often spend more time deciding what to wear for the following Sunday morning than any other evening.

As I tried on outfit after outfit the past Saturday night, complaining about my body in one look, my lack of options in another, nitpicking the details of one navy sweater versus the other, I finally sighed with discontent and frustration and went with my fifth choice. "No one is even going to notice, anyway", I grumbled, "why do I even care what I'm wearing? Who am I trying to impress?" The last question halted further action. I knew the answer and didn't like it.

The "in-crowd". The popular kids. The group I never feel like I will be a part of. The circle of girls I see every week, but never get to talk to. The ones with whom my poor attempts at friendly conversation end in awkward silence. These women are always dressed fashionably, always put together, always have an air of confidence about them. My painful deliberation of what outfit to wear every Sunday stems from a desire to fit into this group.

I, in my prideful state of sinful flesh, had thought that I was past all my complaints of not "fitting in". I have written several posts about the topic (here and here), coming to the rightful conclusion that wanting to "fit in" shows an incorrect focus on my part. That, for one, I am just a stranger passing through to my final destination, to my true place of belonging. This world should never feel right. And two, my focus should not be how I am being served (feeling recognized and accepted by those around me) but rather how I can serve Christ by loving those around me in a way that glorifies Him.

"But Savior", I cry, "I never feel like I belong! I pour into certain individuals- sacrificing my time and comfort- and never get the favor, or even a simple "Hi, how are you?" in return for my service from the people who seem to be in the "in-crowd". What is wrong with me that I don't see? Why won't You let me feel accepted? Must I always feel like an outcast?"

I feel bad for ranting to Christ. I consider His life on earth with the realization that He never was accepted by those around Him. Talk about feeling like an outcast. The King of glory came down to save His wretched people and "his own received him not" (John 1:5?). His brothers shunned Him, His country didn't believe Him, the "in crowd" of religious leaders, where He should have been accepted joyfully, rejected Him to the point of plotting His murder. So then, where did Christ spend His time? The Creator of the universe devoted His life to time spent with the socially unacceptable, the unclean, the broken, the forgotten, the despised and rejected.

As I continued down this trail of thinking, I wondered; how did Christ constantly pour into those around Him with the right attitude? I read the gospels and see His patient, comforting, overly abundant love for His disciples; men that He spent three years of His life with, teaching and leading them, praying for them, loving and living with them. An these men were not who I- or anyone- would consider easy to love! I read the same accounts of Christ's love and see how stubborn, selfish, and stupid these men appear; they are blind to what Christ has done for them, they don't believe His words, they flee and disappear in Christ's darkest moment. But Christ, even with knowing all these things, even seeing the depths of their depraved hearts, chose to love them. Not just love them- He loved them with the same measure of love the Father bestowed to Christ!! After all these men did to Christ, He still died for them. After all those who claimed Him to be unacceptable, those who made Him their enemy, those who didn't think He was good enough, those who plotted His death; He chose to love them too, to the point of dying for their wickedness to give them the gift of eternal life and salvation.

That is the example of love I have to follow.

But what do I often do? To protect my pride, to keep myself from feeling hurt, I build a wall around myself. I have chosen to look down on that "in crowd", to see myself as better than them because of this or that. I don't display the example of love my Savior provides; rather, I do what my heart tells me will protect me from further hurt or risk of feeling left out. Of course, my heart tells me wrong because it is desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9).

I am trying to keep Christ as my heart's all consuming focus. Praying that He would take my dark and loathsome spots of sin and wash them white as snow. Change my selfish heart of flesh and renew it with one passionate for Him, one that overflows with His love for me in a serving love and care for those around me. Jesus, please work in my life. I'm lost without you and the state of my heart makes me hang my head in shame. "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10).

This Life. This Lord.

Life without Christ must be miserable. When I try to think, act, live on my own apart from the counsel and comfort of my Savior, I fall. Hard. I wonder why I even try, why I balance such a crazy schedule for no apparent reason, why I don't just say heck with it all and drop school or work. I get overwhelmed. I cry. I worry extensively and spiral into discontented anger.

But praise the Lord I don't live this life on my own! I can crawl on my knees to the throne of grace; I can raise my tear-stained face to my Creator; I can lift my shattered heart to the Lover of my soul. 

He listens to my cries. He upholds me with right hand. His tender love overwhelms my soul, covering the fears of my weak heart with powerful waves. He is the Good Shepherd, guiding and caring for this wayward sheep. His cords of love bind my heart to Him, if I surrender. He offers protection from the winds and storms of this life- He is my Fortress and high Tower. He offers strength to my weary bones- He is my Rock. He satisfies my dying thirst- He is the Living Water. He fills my hunger for something more- He is the Bread of Life. He ends my longing search for love that lasts- He is Love, and that Everlasting, from beginning to the end. He answers my need for meaning- He created me for His pleasure. 

Lord, draw me to Your side. Your child is hurting and confused, begging Your presence and wisdom. Open my eyes to the reality of these truths; make them pillars in my heart. Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah.  

Tired.

My summer could most definitely be summarized by the word busy, or scheduled. But this one word, tired, would describe my spirit during this time. I feel ragged. Worn. I often feel like I won't be able to keep up this pace for the last half of this season. My innate desire for independence- rather than a spirit of submission- pushes me to attempt to exceed all my duties on my own, to fulfill the expectations of those around me, to be able to cross the last task off my to-do list and feel satisfied that I accomplished it all.

But I can't. If I chose to let the waves of fear crash over my soul, I crumble under the sense of being overwhelmed- because I am. I can't work over forty hours at my job, while taking two eight-week college courses, serve in various ministries, and prepare, plan, and lead a high school girls' Bible study every week. And those are only the things I've committed to this summer, not including being active in the college ministry activities, devoting time to build friendships, setting time aside to be a participant in my family's life, taking steps to go beyond my regular devotions to grow a greater understanding of my King, and being wiling to sacrifice time to invest in the live of others.
As it is, I am not doing some of the things I half-way committed to, like a weekly college Bible study, helping the coffee ministry on Saturday nights, and growing personally in areas of my life in the summer-goals-I'd-like-to-see-accomplished list I made.

I have responded poorly more times this summer than I have responded correctly to circumstances in my life. I have quite a list of regrets already, and the summer is only half-way over. I've asked myself "why?" a hundred times. I look back on the state of my heart at the end of this past spring and wonder how a heart so on fire and focused on Christ could struggle so much on even simply communicating with its Savior a few weeks later. I know that the answer is a sinful nature; that what I set my heart and thoughts on directs the path my life then follows. But I've fought with God the last two weeks. I've asked Him to show me where there may be unconfessed sin, since I haven't felt His presence, His guidance; my prayers feel like they are going unheard. I've pled the Psalms where David confidently cries out to God, repeating the promises God made of hearing his prayers. "How long, oh Lord?" I've asked. I've prayed for wisdom, for clarity, for peace, for forgiveness, for a clean heart, for a new spirit, for answers. I've prayed for the endurance to continue, for confidence in my asking, for an increase in my belief.

I guess I'll have to rely on what I can't see. I have to continue by faith. My God has never proven Himself to be unfaithful; He won't start now. I need to stop and assess my thoughts, my motives, my heart- and give them up to Christ. I need to seek my solace in my Savior, my rest in my Redeemer, my peace in the Prince of peace.

I need to give up doing everything in my own strength. It's never going to work.
Praise God it doesn't have to. He is enough.

The Savior's Solace in Summer Stress

The start of another semester awaits me tomorrow. As I looked over my course syllabus for each class today, the usual worry creeped into my mind. The fear that I can't do all that I must to fulfill the requirements for my classes. The fear that the work of two summer classes, a full time work load, leading a girls Bible study, and being involved in the college class will become too overwhelming. The stress of balancing my schedule always burdens me on the first day of my semester.

But this time, the stress didn't send me into a state of despair. Though I may have uttered a sigh of "I can't do this", my heart didn't dwell on the thought. And I know the reason why.

This time, my heart and spirit had deeper roots in my Foundation. My King has revealed Himself to me in so many ways the last few months, that I've grown to seek comfort in His promises sooner rather than later. When life presents me with struggles and challenges greater than I can bear, I know and believe that my Creator holds my life and everything around me; to Him I run. I have no reason to wrestle with problems in my own weakness when my God has already conquered it. "My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever" Psalms 73:26.

Will this summer be easy? No. Will I become more reliant on my Savior in the stress and craziness of my work? I pray so. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me (Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5). He promises that I can do all things; not on my own, but through Him, by His power (Philippians 4:13). I know I can't do all this on my own. I'm trusting His leading in my life and claiming His promise in Proverbs 3:5-6; "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

At the end of last summer, I wrote a blog post lamenting my lack of growth and mis-focus. But this summer will be different. God has humbled and molded this heart to desire something more than temporary pleasures. I want to bring my King glory; to be a good visual representation of my Lord and Redeemer. I don't know why He has allowed this broken vessel to serve Him, but I'm so grateful for the opportunities He has provided me to honor Him with.

So, tomorrow I will start the day with this thought; Hallelujah, King Jesus reigns. My sin, my weakness, my pain, my failure, my unbelief; He is greater, stronger, mightier than it all. My Conqueror and King, Comforter and Peace, Love and Life-Source, my Everything is near me. What should I fear?

A Time for Change

It can be exciting, delightful, fun, and refreshing.
It can be difficult, painful, heart-breaking, and depressing.
But you can't resist it forever. Eventually, you accept it and move on, creating a new routine, a new perspective, a new normal. Rarely is it easy; often is it for our own good.

This week marks a lengthy list of changes in my life. Some joyous or unexpected; these I gratefully receive and enjoy working into my life. Others are tough and tiring; these I have withstood and have only grown to accept them out of necessity. But there is a reason for everything and when I pause my pity-party to consider the positive, I can truly be thankful for all the changes happening in my life: the easy and the hard, the pleasant and the taxing, the ones I like and the ones I dislike.

A year ago, I would have let such changes drive me to the state of an emotional roller-coaster. With my intense and unrestrained desire for control, the difficult changes occurring in my life would have whisked me to a mild state of despair, while the unexpected changes would have moved me to a desperation to rule my own future. I know this because I experienced it. My foolish heart believed that I did have control of my life and if something went wrong, I was then responsible for the outcome, thus dooming myself to be a failure. Past posts on the blog tell the tale of my crash, burn, and cries to my Savior to pick up the pieces of the mess I made. My failure brought me to beg forgiveness for forgetting that this life is not my own; with the price of His pure blood, Christ bought me to glorify the Father (I Corinthians 6:19-20). In seeking my own control, I sought to place the creature above the Creator (Romans 1:25); to put myself on the throne of my heart. But Jeremiah 17:9 tells me clearly, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

I am thankful that my Savior lovingly led me through the hard lesson taught many times over; God is in control, I am not. All of my careful planning, my devised steps, if made without submission to what my Lord wills, is all for naught, because I can do nothing on my own: "And which of you with taking thought can add to his stature one cubit?" (Luke 12:25). Proverbs 16:9 states: "A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps." However, God doesn't leave me on my own. As the perfect Father, He lovingly provides all my needs, directs my way, and guides my heart if I but submit to His will for me (Luke 12:31). Knowing that my life is not my own, but enslaved to Christ, I should take joy in bearing the easy burden my King gives me (Matthew 11:30).

I may not be able to control the changes that occur in my life, but I can control my reaction to them. May I prayerfully come to the Father with thanksgiving for the changes He is working in my life. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

Thunder and the Glory of God

Last night I fell asleep to the sweet sound of spring- a thunderstorm. I love the refreshed earth, the sweet smell, the cleansing feeling that follows a thunderstorm- but I do believe I love the storm itself more. I was particularly in awe of the power of God last night as I listened to the thunder roll. Psalm 19:1 came to mind; "The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork." Below is the outpouring of my heart in the midst of the storm:


As the thunder rolls in the midst of this spring storm tonight, the Spirit moves my heart to stand in awe of my Maker. As the walls and floor around me tremble with each clap of thunder, something in the core of my being awakes to the awesome power, the grandeur, the authority, the great and high difference between me and my God. His thunder is powerful enough to shake the ground I stand on. The longer it rolls on the deeper I feel my soul's need to respond with worship. It's amazing that the holiness of the Lord could be conveyed to me in the storm's noise.

The lightning flashes and for a millisecond every time, a feeling of heightened urgency courses through my veins. The brightness of the flash hurts my eyes but its a glorious and humbling sight to see it streak across the sky. My heart is moved to recognize something beyond myself.

Both the thunder and the lightning quickly take me off the pedestal I often place myself on and remind me of my small insignificance in comparison to the heavens above me. The thunder and lightning blend in a beautiful symphony that points to the brilliance, creativity, and power of the Director and Orchestrator. As I hear the storm approach, rage over me, and move on, I am reminded that He is Lord over all creation. That a universe beyond my humble home must face whatever the Director wills.

Lastly, the power displayed in the thunder and lightning point to the amazement that a God Who controls the heavens and universe would desire to work in this disobedient and sinful heart. A God Who would cross all lines of pain and suffering to provide a way to reconcile His broken creature to Himself. Instead of starting over, He pursued me. He loves me because I am His, made to glorify His name. He writes me a love Letter of instruction, sends the Comforter to indwell me, and promises a swift return and eternal fellowship with Him.

Ah, yes. As the thunder rolls in the midst of this spring storm tonight, the Spirit moves my heart to stand in awe of my Maker.

A. Wilson


Above content originally posted on my YouVersion profile here, where most of my Biblical note-taking and journaling is published.

His Goodness Amazes Me

God is so good. So merciful. So incomparable. The more that I have been learning about Him lately, the more I shake my head in amazement at the love, care, protection, grace He shows me. I am at a complete loss as to why He might choose to shower such indescribable blessings on this broken sinner, but I am eternally grateful.

Every time I log onto my computer for school, I sigh with regret at the lack of time I have to simply write for my own enjoyment on the blog. However, this Thursday as I sit at the Community Center waiting to pick the sister up from work- having completed close to two hours of school work and twenty minutes of devotional time- I have rewarded myself with the pleasure of writing a post :).

This semester is only three weeks in, and I have felt as if I were drowning several times. But, praise His name, I have been reminded to seek my help in Him! Through my failure, I am learning to take it as an opportunity to come to the foot of the throne of grace and seek my Savior. Rather than simply become frustrated and disappointed in myself- and focusing on me- God has shown me how much He wants to teach me through those moments of failure. He reminds me of my purpose- to become more like Christ, to bring glory to Him.

I find it interesting that as I have learned more about my Lord and Master, I have learned more about myself. God has pointed out aspects of my life that need to be molded more to look like Christ. Here are a few things that I will be striving to work on bringing Him more glory in:

- exercising self control in the way I eat and drink. Sure, drinking 40-some ounces of pop a day may not cause me to gain weight, but I am simply giving into my desire for pop. I may exercise enough to be able to eat junk food whenever I want, but that is not practicing self control.

- cultivating a life that focuses on people. An unsaved friend amazed me recently with her keen observational skills and her ability to read people. It struck me that as one who should be all about loving God and loving people (the two commandments Christ gives in the New Testament), I should be just as careful to take the time to try to understand and pay attention to those hurting around me.

- serving my family. Too often I am lazy at home. I chose to serve myself rather than those I love most. I am going to be more diligent in doing special things to show my family I love them and appreciate them.

- pursing Christ passionately. Since He is my life, my love, my saving rescue, I know I need to make Him so much more of a priority in my time. I need my time with Him to take up my whole day. Just thinking of this moves me to tears- I am desperate for Him, and want my life to reflect that. I need to change my habits.

I am so thankful for a God who saves, molds, shapes, forgives, and loves me. Lord, I beg that You would grow me to be more like Christ!