Being the perfectionist and time manager that I am, I always decide the evening before what outfit I will wear the next day- complete with jewelry and shoes. Saturday night is no different, though I often spend more time deciding what to wear for the following Sunday morning than any other evening.
As I tried on outfit after outfit the past Saturday night, complaining about my body in one look, my lack of options in another, nitpicking the details of one navy sweater versus the other, I finally sighed with discontent and frustration and went with my fifth choice. "No one is even going to notice, anyway", I grumbled, "why do I even care what I'm wearing? Who am I trying to impress?" The last question halted further action. I knew the answer and didn't like it.
The "in-crowd". The popular kids. The group I never feel like I will be a part of. The circle of girls I see every week, but never get to talk to. The ones with whom my poor attempts at friendly conversation end in awkward silence. These women are always dressed fashionably, always put together, always have an air of confidence about them. My painful deliberation of what outfit to wear every Sunday stems from a desire to fit into this group.
I, in my prideful state of sinful flesh, had thought that I was past all my complaints of not "fitting in". I have written several posts about the topic (here and here), coming to the rightful conclusion that wanting to "fit in" shows an incorrect focus on my part. That, for one, I am just a stranger passing through to my final destination, to my true place of belonging. This world should never feel right. And two, my focus should not be how I am being served (feeling recognized and accepted by those around me) but rather how I can serve Christ by loving those around me in a way that glorifies Him.
"But Savior", I cry, "I never feel like I belong! I pour into certain individuals- sacrificing my time and comfort- and never get the favor, or even a simple "Hi, how are you?" in return for my service from the people who seem to be in the "in-crowd". What is wrong with me that I don't see? Why won't You let me feel accepted? Must I always feel like an outcast?"
I feel bad for ranting to Christ. I consider His life on earth with the realization that He never was accepted by those around Him. Talk about feeling like an outcast. The King of glory came down to save His wretched people and "his own received him not" (John 1:5?). His brothers shunned Him, His country didn't believe Him, the "in crowd" of religious leaders, where He should have been accepted joyfully, rejected Him to the point of plotting His murder. So then, where did Christ spend His time? The Creator of the universe devoted His life to time spent with the socially unacceptable, the unclean, the broken, the forgotten, the despised and rejected.
As I continued down this trail of thinking, I wondered; how did Christ constantly pour into those around Him with the right attitude? I read the gospels and see His patient, comforting, overly abundant love for His disciples; men that He spent three years of His life with, teaching and leading them, praying for them, loving and living with them. An these men were not who I- or anyone- would consider easy to love! I read the same accounts of Christ's love and see how stubborn, selfish, and stupid these men appear; they are blind to what Christ has done for them, they don't believe His words, they flee and disappear in Christ's darkest moment. But Christ, even with knowing all these things, even seeing the depths of their depraved hearts, chose to love them. Not just love them- He loved them with the same measure of love the Father bestowed to Christ!! After all these men did to Christ, He still died for them. After all those who claimed Him to be unacceptable, those who made Him their enemy, those who didn't think He was good enough, those who plotted His death; He chose to love them too, to the point of dying for their wickedness to give them the gift of eternal life and salvation.
That is the example of love I have to follow.
But what do I often do? To protect my pride, to keep myself from feeling hurt, I build a wall around myself. I have chosen to look down on that "in crowd", to see myself as better than them because of this or that. I don't display the example of love my Savior provides; rather, I do what my heart tells me will protect me from further hurt or risk of feeling left out. Of course, my heart tells me wrong because it is desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9).
I am trying to keep Christ as my heart's all consuming focus. Praying that He would take my dark and loathsome spots of sin and wash them white as snow. Change my selfish heart of flesh and renew it with one passionate for Him, one that overflows with His love for me in a serving love and care for those around me. Jesus, please work in my life. I'm lost without you and the state of my heart makes me hang my head in shame. "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10).
I've only checked your entries once a month, so I was surprised to find three July entries. We can struggle together, and pray for each other in this. I hope you're feeling better, and I hope we can talk again, soon. You have good friends who love you, and they're gifts from God; whole other narratives to remind you He treasures you. Among billions of His treasures, through all the crowds, He still finds time for you, doesn't He? And who could blame Him?
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