Tired.

My summer could most definitely be summarized by the word busy, or scheduled. But this one word, tired, would describe my spirit during this time. I feel ragged. Worn. I often feel like I won't be able to keep up this pace for the last half of this season. My innate desire for independence- rather than a spirit of submission- pushes me to attempt to exceed all my duties on my own, to fulfill the expectations of those around me, to be able to cross the last task off my to-do list and feel satisfied that I accomplished it all.

But I can't. If I chose to let the waves of fear crash over my soul, I crumble under the sense of being overwhelmed- because I am. I can't work over forty hours at my job, while taking two eight-week college courses, serve in various ministries, and prepare, plan, and lead a high school girls' Bible study every week. And those are only the things I've committed to this summer, not including being active in the college ministry activities, devoting time to build friendships, setting time aside to be a participant in my family's life, taking steps to go beyond my regular devotions to grow a greater understanding of my King, and being wiling to sacrifice time to invest in the live of others.
As it is, I am not doing some of the things I half-way committed to, like a weekly college Bible study, helping the coffee ministry on Saturday nights, and growing personally in areas of my life in the summer-goals-I'd-like-to-see-accomplished list I made.

I have responded poorly more times this summer than I have responded correctly to circumstances in my life. I have quite a list of regrets already, and the summer is only half-way over. I've asked myself "why?" a hundred times. I look back on the state of my heart at the end of this past spring and wonder how a heart so on fire and focused on Christ could struggle so much on even simply communicating with its Savior a few weeks later. I know that the answer is a sinful nature; that what I set my heart and thoughts on directs the path my life then follows. But I've fought with God the last two weeks. I've asked Him to show me where there may be unconfessed sin, since I haven't felt His presence, His guidance; my prayers feel like they are going unheard. I've pled the Psalms where David confidently cries out to God, repeating the promises God made of hearing his prayers. "How long, oh Lord?" I've asked. I've prayed for wisdom, for clarity, for peace, for forgiveness, for a clean heart, for a new spirit, for answers. I've prayed for the endurance to continue, for confidence in my asking, for an increase in my belief.

I guess I'll have to rely on what I can't see. I have to continue by faith. My God has never proven Himself to be unfaithful; He won't start now. I need to stop and assess my thoughts, my motives, my heart- and give them up to Christ. I need to seek my solace in my Savior, my rest in my Redeemer, my peace in the Prince of peace.

I need to give up doing everything in my own strength. It's never going to work.
Praise God it doesn't have to. He is enough.